


I Will Stop Keeping Track

by A_bhorren_t



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Musicians, Post-Split Panic! at the Disco, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2019-09-16 11:41:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16953342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_bhorren_t/pseuds/A_bhorren_t
Summary: Ryan Ross.He always knew how people would react, needed to have a form of normalcy, being able to know how one would react kept the anxiety and doubt from any conversation. Yet, Brendon had been an unpredict change in his life, a form of excitement he had unknowingly needed in his life. The unpredictable nature of Brendon made him fall in love with the sense of excitement.... But after awhile, one needs a break from everything.--------------------------------------------------Brendon Urie.He enjoyed the comfort of having people to fall back on him, not that he ever tried to rely on others, having people around him that he loved made him feel happy and he would never trade that for any other feeling. Ryan has always been a constant presence for Brendon, one that never faltered and has always radiated with an intensity that could become intense for anyone besides Brendon. they've been together through thick and thin and Brendon will always support Ryan, he knew nothing could come between them...--------------------------------------------------Brendon was wrong.Ryan had other plans.--------------------------------------------------





	1. King And A Rusty Throne

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Cussing, Awkward conversations, and awkward crushes.  
> Words: 3241

Normalcy, a simple delicacy that is something that one can enjoy fully. The simple knowing of what to expect on your typical day to day life, of course, he should of expected that this choice of career would leave for some form of unpredictable nature. But could you really blame anyone for getting just a little ticked when your schedule, a schedule that you adapted to fit into your everyday life suddenly gets uprooted, of course someone is going to react just a bit... violent or uncalled for, to each there own.

"What do you mean Trevor left?" The hiss tore its way from his throat, he couldn't help the nasty look that settled onto his childhood friend, the drummer simply shrugged, "Exactly what I said, the dude just up and quit." A loud groan left his mouth as Ryan Ross tugged fingers through dark straight locks, his eyes fell onto the stool he normally sat on, but instead he found himself strutting back and fourth in the room, his fingers playing with the edges of his shirt. Spencer sighed, leaning against the wall of his bedroom, eyes trained on the pacing lyricist, he understood the anger, Spencer himself had allowed for his anger earlier, but he didn't fully understand the complete breakdown Ryan goes straight too when anything happens, despite the numerous years he tried to understand. Ryan could feel Spencer's eyes on him, his brain giving the awful tapping it usually did with eyes on him, but, those thoughts were so far back in his head, all he could think about was what the hell is he suppose to do now? Trevor left and now their down a member, he didn't know where Brent is and Spencer did nothing to help this situation just staring at him.  "Ryan, calm down, It'll be okay." Spencer begun only for Ryan to let out a loud exhale, pausing in his pacing to do a 90 degree turn, honey eyes falling on his friend, "Don't speak these lies to me." Ryan simply stated before huffing, pulling out his Razor, Spencer watched curiously for a moment before hearing the loud doorbell that belonged to his parents home ring out, "I'll get it." Spencer stated, rolling his eyes as Ryan simply grunted, mouth twisted into a sour expression and eyebrows drawn taunt on his forehead. 

Spencer grumbled softly under his breath, he loved Ryan, don't get him wrong, but sometimes... The guys just needed to relax for once, his footsteps rang throughout the empty house as he meandered down the stairs towards the door. Spencer knew who it was, the only people who bothered him being Ryan or Brent, he threw upon the door, eyes falling onto the awkward stance of the one and only Brent Wilson, "Dude, just fucking come in, stop ringing the bell, its weird." Brent let out a noise before nodding, "yeah, sorry.." He let out, adjusting his grip on the case to his bass before Spencer sighed, moving aside so Brent came into his home. "You get the news?" Spencer asked, watching as Brent kick off his shoes, Brent nodded making his way towards the stairs, "Yeah, Ryan spammed me, why would he just leave?" He questioned, hearing the grunt from Spencer, the bassist assuming the other shrugged. The pair entered the room in time to hear Ryan growl out a statement they couldn't answer before he slammed his phone close, the Razor letting out a loud snap before he tossed it onto Spencer's bed. Ryan turned, body taunt as his eyes settled onto Brent, "Brent, finally your here." The smile that spread onto Ryan's face, and despite how he was not even a little bit frightening, well, the smile caused Brent to straighten, nerves jumping slightly, "Yeah?"

"Pull out your fucking bass before I lose my shit." 

"I just got he-"

"Pull. Your. Bass. Out."

"Yes Sir."

\----

Ryan watched, perched on the seat he claimed to be his, eyes trained onto the one thing that usually set to calm him down. The bright and odd color decor gave the place a strange unique atmosphere, the smells of fruit and the soft chatter of conversations that barely carried over the radio allowed Ryan to relax back into the plastic chair he sat in. "Hey Brendon," Ryan watch one of the males coworker call out, eyes following the younger males movement as he turned his head, a tired smile on his face as he greeted them. Their conversation meant nothing to Ryan, his chin resting on the curve of the palm of his hand, a open pad sat in front of him, pen long forgotten tucked behind his ear, a slight quirk of Ryan's lips gave away the amusement he felt as the one  thing in his life that didn't cause him any stress turned, eyes catching Ryan, giving him time to wink at the boy, watching at the roll of eyes he received before the other scampered over. "Ry hey! I haven't seen you here in awhile." The words left a pair of lips that was connected to such a wonderful person. "Yeah, its been rough, sorry Bren." Ryan breathed out, watching as Brendon nodded in understanding, the limp rag in his hand moving to wipe down the counters, "No it's fine, just wondering that's all." Brendon murmured, turning and dropping the rag into the large sink, Ryan watched, feeling a bit of stress remove itself from his bones, Ryan couldn't understand his large fascination he had with the boy, he may have not been the most attractive boy he's looked at, granted their wasn't much room for Ryan to be talking... But something about the way the other had a way of talking and moving, making anyone be enraptured with him, even someone as careful and meticulous as Ryan couldn't even escape the trap that is Brendon Urie. 

"Are you staying until we close?" Brendon suddenly asked, having turned back around, the green apron he wore looked ridiculous on him as he leaned against the counter, sending a slight smile towards Ryan. Ryan hummed, brain slow at thinking as he removed his pen from behind his ear, tapping the pen against the pad, "Well, you guys close at 9... I'm going to stay, got to talk to you anyways." Ryan slowly spoke, the familiar heat of anxiety pulled into Ryan's gut as he waited for Brendon's response, watching the slight confusion pool into the brown eyes that belonged to Brendon before he nodded, "Sounds good, hopefully nothing to bad." Brendon let out, a toothy grin pulling on his face before turning his head as someone approached the register, Ryan waved him away, watching as Brendon moved to help the customer, a couple from the high school Ryan goes too. Brendon was new to Ryan's schedule, or, he had become a conscious choice to his schedule, Ryan had always came to Tropical Smoothie, a good place for Ryan to relax and allow himself to get in a right atmosphere. Brendon has been working here for as long as Ryan has made Tropical Smoothie a norm, he found the other interesting and it wasn't until a year ago did he come with Brent and Spencer where Brent introduced him to Brendon Urie, where their awkward socialness had a battle to see who would be the one to ruin it all and Ryan decided that yes, this is the one. 

The next few hours dragged in a nice way for Ryan, the wind nipping at the exposed skin of his face, he raised his gloved hands, rubbing it against his face, his back rubbed uncomfortable against the rough brick of the building. His eyes drawn up the sky of Las Vegas, the night sky sat dark above his head, eyes tracing the wisps of clouds that sat scattered throughout the mass of blue. He turned his head, the sound of shoes scuffing the ground with the combination of a glass door shutting grabbing his attention easily, he watched as Brendon lock the glass doors pocketing his keys before turning to face Ryan. Brendon fell into step by Ryan as Ryan looked down at the other, eyes trained on the thin jacket that hung off of Brendon's frame. "What, something on my face?" Brendon asked, only for Ryan to shake his head, gloved hands moving to removed the scarf that Ryan wore, the tall male moving to wrap it around Brendon's neck, ignoring the protests from the younger male, Ryan grabbed one of Brendon's hands before beginning to walk. Brendon followed dumbly, "Wha-" Brendon begin to question, only to watch Ryan turn his head away stuttering out, "I'Its to keep your dumb ass warm." A soft smile spread upon Brendon's face, the young male finding himself bury his face into the warm scarf that wrapped snugly around him. Brendon enjoyed Ryan immensely, despite his inability to tell the other, he chose to silently bask in the moments like this, where it was just the two of them. Ryan wasn't always so warm to him, in High School the other ignored him, they're social groups not really ever crossing, the only one they have in common being Brent Wilson, but now, now that Ryan was someone Brendon can call a friend without any hesitation... Well, maybe he'll allow himself to believe the idea of entertaining the thought of Ryan always being there for him, who knows what the future holds. 

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Brendon begun, watching as Ryan blinked out of the dream state he sat in, the two sat in a nearly empty bus, press against each other, soaking in each others warmth and Ryan had sat enjoying the hum of the bus. It took Ryan a moment, mind slowly moving and clicking thoughts in place, "Oh yeah," Ryan breathed out slowly, fingers tracing patterns in the fabric of his jeans, Brendon watching, an eyebrow quirked up in silent encouragement. "So, you know how I do the music stuff," Ryan looked over, watching as Brendon nodded, his hair brushing his face as he moved, "So Trevor just fucking left." Ryan needed to pause, feeling his hand fold into a fist, he exhaled slowly, calming himself down. "Trevor Lowe?" Brendon asked, watching Ryan nod slowly, "What about it?" Brendon asked, something inside of him flipped as Ryan mentioned music, he himself chasing a similar dream. "Well... We need another member, a guitarist to be exact." Ryan let out, watching as Brendon simply blinked at him, head tilted and oh my god why is Brendon an idiot sometimes. 

"Well, I don't know anyone who plays besides you and Brent." Ryan let out a loud audible sigh, "Wow Brendon don't you play?" Ryan let out, voice exaggerated and clearly mocking, a high pitched noise left Brendon in his embarrassment as he rolled his eyes, "I mean yeah, but.." Brendon trailed off, feeling nervous as Ryan gazed at him expectantly, what did the other want? "I want you to join, or at least come to a practice and we can see if you like it." Ryan let out, feeling anxious, he wanted Brendon join, even if he didn't know fully how well the other could play, if his guitar skills were anything like his singing voice, then Ryan will be equally blown away. "Fuck yea- I mean, yeah, if you guys wouldn't mind an amateur." Ryan smiled softly at Brendon's response feeling relief flood through his system, he wanted to mention that Brent wasn't the best bassist yet he didn't want to ruin the image that Brendon had made for his band. "Great- I'll let Spence know and I'll text you when the next practice is." Brendon nodded, relaxing back into his seat, the two falling into a more easy conversation as the sat in the lone bus.

\-----

The empty cold of his apartment greeted Brendon as he unlocked the door, silently dropping his bag by the door, the male shutting the door. Its always cold, empty and just sad once he arrived home, despite how stressful school and work was, at least people were around and he didn't have to worry about the monsters that go boo at night. Brendon snorted at himself as he flipped the switch, listening to the bulb go off and and his apartment, if you could even consider it an apartment, be bathed in soft yellows. He eyed the fridge before huffing and moving over to his mattress that laid on the floor, the male dropping himself onto the shitty foam. Still in his work clothes and winter gear clung to him, he stared up at the ceiling debating if its worth the effort to change or if sleep is to inviting at the moment. He forced himself back up, removing the jacket tossing it aside and his hands caught on the scarf still on his neck, a gentle smile on his face as his mind filtered back towards the one and only Ryan Ross, the stupid guy who always seemed to make his heart swell. He shook his head, carefully removing it and setting it aside gently, no need to damage something that didn't belong to him, he buried himself under the lone blanket he owned, fingers rubbing across the worn fur that coated the faded blue blanket. 

Eyes close, he let his mind slowly work through the events of today, a mental relaxation skill he used and needed to do every night, if he didn't work through this, he wouldn't be able to sleep and it would turn into a dark pool that he'd rather not fall into purposely. The sound of his phone going off surprised him, he blinked open, groaning as he threw himself out of his bed, going to his bag that he left by his door, pulling out his apron and flicking the light right back off. He made his way back to his bed, from numerous months of losing power, he made his way to his bed without stumbling into anything, eyes trained on the bright screen of his Samsung, filling better about his night as Ryan's message to him. He settled down on his bed, crossing his legs as his eyebrows knitted together, a unconscious thing they did when he concentrated.

Ry: Hey, I know it's late, but were having practice this Saturday, see you there?

B: Yo! yeah, See you, also forgot to give your scarf back

Ry: It's good, you can keep it...

Ry: You looked cute in it anyways x

B: oh Shut UP- sleep well you twat

Ry: Right back at you, you idiot xx

Brendon rolled his eyes, his smile soft yet genuine as he plugged his phone into the charger, the male laying back and sighing out softly, "Things are looking up." He murmured to himself, nodding before settling in fully for the night.

\-------

"Look Ryan, why are you so worried?" Spencer spoke from across the lunch table, eyes settled on Ryan who sat, furiously writing in a pad, a small pile of crumbled papers were sprinkled around the table his lunch sat untouched, Ryan didn't look up simply shrugging as he continued to write. Spencer blinked slowly, "Why do I even try sometimes?" He asked, watching as Ryan finally looked up, a frown on his face, "I have to completely redo whole sections, I have no idea what Brendon can play and what he can't, Trevor was a shit storm and I need to just have it work." He hissed out, tugging at his hair, Spencer looked up over Ryan's shoulder smiling in greeting as a new voice spoke up, "Ry you're going to get wrinkles if you allow yourself to stay so stressed." Ryan jerked his head in surprise, eyes falling on Brendon who smiled sheepishly, dressed in a somewhat over sized sweater and maroon colored skinny jeans, instead of responding, Ryan patted the spot next to him, Brendon hesitating before dropping himself into the spot. "Hey Spencer." He greeted, earning a warm smile from the drummer, "So you're joining this shit storm of a band?" Spencer asked, causing a snort of amusement from Brendon and Ryan sent a glare towards his friend who only shrugged and gave him a sly look. 

Brendon nodded, eyeing the pad Ryan was writing on, "Eat." Ryan suddenly spoke, pushing his bagged lunch towards Brendon, he hesitated for a moment, teeth worrying his bottom lip, "You sure?" Brendon asked, Ryan nodded giving a simple shrug, "I already ate." With that, Brendon dug through the bag, eyes lightening up at the contents, "Thanks Ry!" He chirped, smiling teasingly and without much thought moved forward pressing a kiss to the lyricists cheek. A strangled noise left Ryan as the other two laughed, Spencer sending Ryan a look, earning a kick from under the table as Brendon happily ate the packed lunch Ryan had obviously made for Brendon. "What's so funny?" The voice of Brent entered the scene as Spencer's laughs died down, Ryan growled out nothing while Spencer greeted Brent, "Oh just Ryan's predicament." He simply stated, easily confusing Brent and Brendon who had only been half listening, he let out a noise but turned his attention to the food, enjoying the sound of the easy bicker that Spencer fell into with Ryan, as well as the awkward additions Brent added and this, this is what comfort felt like, and Brendon was pretty sure nothing else could come close to this kind of feeling. 

Saturday rolled around a bit too slow for Brendon's liking, but now that its here, well, anxiety couldn't even touch what was happening to his body, he stood bouncing back and fourth, guitar case slung on his back, black converse loud against the pavement. Brown eyes trained on the unfamiliar house, it was Spencer's house, that much obvious from the fact Spencer's and Ryan's car sat in the driveway, he wanted to go in, but fuck he couldn't push himself to actually walk to the front door. What if he wasn't good enough? He heard how Ryan could play, knew how well he and Spencer sounded together, what if he fucked everything up? He didn't how long he sat in the front yard, just moving back and fourth, feet scuffing and his fingers tugging at the form fitting shirt he wore. "Bren, get your skinny ass inside the house!" He turned his head towards the house where Ryan's head had stuck itself out from the second story window, Brendon let out a nervous laugh, "I-I'm coming!" He called back, seeing Ryan roll his eyes fondly. Brendon made his way towards the door, taking in a shaky breath of air before twisting the nob and allowing himself into the home. He's been in a house before, but he couldn't help the way he looked around, subconsciously comparing it to how it was to his own shit-hole of an apartment before he quickly shook his head, tossing those thoughts aside. He made his way upstairs, pulling open the door, his eyes falling the form of Ryan, Spencer and Brent. A smile on his face at the happy smile that Ryan sent his way and the soft greeting of Brent, "Finally you're here, Ryan was about to have a heart attack." Spencer joked, earning a glare from Ryan causing Brendon to laugh softly,.

"Well, I guess we can get started?"

"Yes, Yes we can Bren."


	2. Dance In The Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan doesn't like Brent, maybe it has the fact that is has to do with him being a horrible bassist, definitely not because he flirts with Brendon.  
> -  
> Possessive Ryan, oblivious Brendon, Sassy Spencer and the one no one likes Brent.  
> Mall scenes, some fun times and some not so fun words ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Cussing, smut and slight violence
> 
> Word Count: 5011

Most nights, it was okay, practice would go by with a few hiccups, Brendon only mildly getting on everyone's nerves and Brent fucking up only a handful of times, but some nights, some would end with harsh words and a smashed cup here and there, resulting in a phone call the next day apologizing. Even despite those rough nights, he would never trade it in, his happiest memories now consisting of late nights with encouraging words of adults that meant too much and tired smiles and bright eyes when it worked, when the chords worked just right and it came together perfectly and they were in sync, feeling as if they were on-top of the world inside a small room. 

Self doubt still clogged Brendon's head, each time his voice would crack or someones fingers would pick a string wrong, causing Brendon to spiral into singing off key and ruining everything, but it was okay, it had to be. "Hey..." A soft voice caused Brendon to pull his forehead away from the glass window of his apartment, the rain having caused the glass to be cool, he looked over as Ryan settled next to him, a cup, warm and smelling sweet pressed gently into his hands. Brendon smiled slightly, snuggling into Ryan as the other looked out the window, old glass warping their perception of the outside world, but it didn't bother them, "Spence asked if you wanted to come over today," Ryan murmured, watching as Brendon stayed quiet, ever since Brendon joined the band, he found his and Ryan's odd relationship flourish into a wonderful friendship, and it warmed his heart, going from being acquaintances to a handful of people to having some close friends. "Mm, If we go does that mean I have to get dressed nice?" Brendon pipped up, currently wearing a large sweater and a pair of red frames, having not wanted to put in his contacts. Ryan snorted in amusement, "Only if you want." Ryan mused, watching as Brendon mulled over his options, "Alright lets go." He stated, Brendon being greeted by the warm smile on the others face, the type of smile that pooled into those odd mix of honey and brown eyes, Ryan bounced up, humming as he collected things. Brendon sighed, sipping the hot cocoa the other had made for him, his eyes swiping across his apartment, it sat a lot warmer than it once been. A canvas painted with odd splatters and honestly, was not the best thing he has even seen, but it was one of those couple workshops that he and Ryan went to, mainly to fuck around and do something together, Brendon ripping his eyes away from it, ignoring the nagging in his head reminding him that they were clearly just friends. A new mattress sat where the old one had sat, while it was definitely a used Mattress, it was given to him by Spencer's parents, seeing as they were going to toss it. Though, the one addition that always brightened it had to be Ryan Ross, the other being in his dingy apartment seemingly more than his own home, and Brendon will never push or question, he appreciated the company. 

He forced himself out of his spot, drinking some more before making his way to the little kitchenette, placing the cup in the sink, grabbing his wallet and phone off the table before sliding into a warm winter coat. "You know, I never gave you your scarf back." Brendon spoke absentmindedly, grabbing the soft material, its been in his apartment for a few months, Brendon never finding the urge to return it, "I know B," Ryan said with a chuckle, slipping on a pair of boots, "I obviously wanted you to keep it, I would of said otherwise." With that, Brendon wrapped the scarf around his neck, bumping shoulders with Ryan as he slid on his beat up converse. The two left in comforting silence, walking down the stairs, listening to the familiar creak and groan of the old metal stairway, Brendon eyes easily falling onto the beat up car Ryan owned. Some part of him thought it was ridiculous how easy the other fit into his life, but unlike Ryan, Brendon always welcomed changes, and even if he didn't well, all it took was that stupid smile and Ryan's stupid intoxicating voice for Brendon to agree with whatever Ryan wanted.

\-----

"Guys!" The cry echoed throughout the mall as the three looked up, watching as a certain Ryan Ross ran across the food court, almost running into a woman, his hair flopping obnoxiously as he came to a screeching stop in front of the table, breathing heavy and eyes bright. "Wow, I don't think I've ever seen you run." Spencer spoke up, Ryan ignored the drummer, his smile bright and now the table didn't know rather to be scared or worried, maybe both. "You okay Ry?" Brendon spoke up from his spot across from Brent and Spencer, Ryan nodded eagerly, bouncing up and down, and wow did he not look like himself. "More than okay- Fuck guys, you don't understand what just happened." Ryan spoke quickly, dropping into the metal chair next to Brendon, trying to visibly calm himself. "Ryan no one knows why your excited." Brent deadpanned, earning agreeing nods from the other two musicians, Ryan let out a noise smiling sheepishly, "Right I forgot to tell you guys." Before the three could even think about poking fun at him, he rushed into his next sentence, "So you how I've been trying to get a record to listen to our demos right? I've been having horrible luck, but fucking one of them agreed to listen- I'm suppose to be getting news back sometime this week." Ryan breathed out, smiling brightly as it took a moment for the guys to understand what Ryan had spoke, but he knew when it clicked because their was a strange noise from his left that most definitely came from Brendon and a proud smile spread onto Spencer's face and even Brent seemed excited, "Fucking Finally!" Brendon croaked out, pulling Ryan into a hug, a soft laugh escaped Ryan as he wrapped his arms around the skinny frame of Brendon, even if the record wasn't interested, this was still a step in the right direction and fuck it, Ryan's heart was beating fast, a combination from his excitement and having Brendon in his arms, he breathed out, burying his face into Brendon's hair. The two sat for a moment, before a soft cough came from Spencer, the two separated, clearing their throats and Ryan was pointedly ignoring the amused look Spencer shot him. 

Faces a soft red, Ryan shifted in his seat, "Anyways shall we do start our day?" Ryan asked, earning a confused noise from Brendon, "What day?" He asked, causing Spencer to roll his eyes while Brent chuckled fondly, "We did have plans, or were you not paying attention?" Ryan asked, feeling amused when Brendon tried to splutter out an excuse, "H-Hey! I was uh- Distracted!" He bit out, causing Ryan to hum, "Distracted, like always?" Spencer asked causing Brendon to flip the other off, a fond smile fighting its way onto Ryan's face, "Come on, we were going Christmas shopping." Ryan reminded, standing up as Brent stood, the bassist adjusting his jacket, for a moment Ryan felt sorry for the guy, he was a nice guy don't get him wrong, he just didn't fit in sometimes, but he ignored that, looking instead towards Brendon who nodded realization dawning on him, "Uh yeah I forgot sorry." Brendon let out with a soft laugh as he stood dusting himself off. "Where too first?" Brent asked, shifting in his stance, without a legit answer Spencer begun walking, "Follow me gentlemen." With a trail of three somewhat amused boys, Spencer lead them out of the food court, the four squeezing into an elevator next to a older couple. After the very awkward elevator ride Brendon and Ryan found themselves nudging each other, acting like three years old rather than the teenagers they are. 

"Hey Brendon?" said male turned, looking at Spencer who was sporting a smile that had bad news bears written all over it. "Yes?" He questioned, eyeing Spencer warily as the slightly taller male sauntered over, "Do you think Ryan would like this?" He asked, pulling out from behind his back a red skirt, Spencer doing his best to hide his grin as Brendon's face grew red. Mouth falling open, eyes wide in surprise, "Wha- Look! Ryan d-doesn't wear shit like that." Brendon stuttered out, his voice rising in octave in his surprise, trying to burn the image of Ryan in a skirt and maybe he really shouldn't be picturing such a thing. Spencer's laugh caused Brendon to narrow his eyes in worry cheeks still a bright red. "No, not for Ryan to wear. Would he like to see you in it." Spencer grinned devilishly as Brendon let out a noise between a squeal and scream and took off running into another aisle, almost crashing right into Ryan who laughed, reaching out and catching Brendon before he crashed into the ground instead of the floor. Ryan smiled softly, head tilting as his eyes took in the sight of Brendon's flustered face, "You good?" He asked, Brendon looked at Ryan, biting his lip for a moment, not noticing Ryan watching the movement, "Y-Yeah Imjustwonderingifyouwouldlikemeinaskirt." His voice jumped, face red, and he wiggled himself away from Ryan, ducking under a rack, "Brent!" He cried, basically jumping onto the bassist who made a weird noise, "Uh what Brendon?" He asked, beginning to walk as Brendon started walking away from where he left a confused yet slightly flustered Ryan Ross. Starring dumbly at where Brendon once stood, before he shook his head, clearing his throat slightly, Spencer came around the corner snickering. "Sooo Brent, hows it going?" Brendon asked, face finally cooling down as he turned to look at Brent, arm wrapped around his forearm. Brent found himself pulling away from the close proximity, squashing the urge to get flustered, but how couldn't you? "Good, interesting to be out as a group like this." Brendon nodded in agreement, smiling cheekily as they stepped outside the store, "Yeah, its nice to be out with everyone for once, especially during Christmas!" Brendon cried excitedly, his voice carrying into the store. Ryan popped around the corner, eyes narrowing dangerously at Brent, Brendon oblivious as he turned his head, eyes landing on the incoming Ryan. "Oh, Ry you guys done-" He didn't finish as Ryan tugged Brendon away from Brent, Brendon following the tug, "What?" He let out, confused as Brent and Ryan exchanged a few looks. Thank god for Spencer as he sighed loudly, clasping his hands onto Ryan's and Brent's shoulders, "Come on children, we have places to be." He cooed, pushing the trio down and away from the clothing store. Brendon pulled away, skipping forward, eyes wandering about, bright behind the red frames he wore. Ryan fought the smile that wanted to spread, simply gazing at his friend, finding fond amusement in the younger male, "Guys." Brendon simply stopped, looking up towards the large white letters set against the stark black contrast. "

Are we that level of Emo?" Brent asked, earning looks from all three members, "Have you read my lyrics? Have you not been in this band?" Ryan asked, causing Brent to look away sheepishly, a chuckle passed Brendon's lips as he patted Brent's ass, "Come on Brent, get your head in the game, Emo always." Brendon let out, rolling his eyes at himself, a squeak followed by a giggle left him as Brent slapped Brendon's ass,"Right back at you B." Brendon had a smile as he grabbed Spencer's arm. "Come I want to see what they have." Brendon let out, pulling Spencer into Hot Topic, leaving a dangerously quiet Ryan and Brent who looked over quirking an eyebrow. "Uh, Ryan you okay?" Brent asked, Ryan eyes hardened, turning from the soft honey color to a hard amber, Did this dumb bitch forget what happened just a few moments ago? "Oh i'm just trying to decide if killing you now or later is best." Ryan murmured but shook his head, Ryan had to push those thoughts aside. "Did that really just happen?" He asked, Ryan knew he shouldn't be getting jealous, shouldn't really be angry, but fuck, he wanted to scream. Brent shifted, eyes swimming with confusion, eyeing the other wearily for the weird comment "Uh." He begun, before it clicked, "Oh that?" He asked, Brent while somewhat intimidated by Ryan at times, he wasn't going to fully back down, when Ryan shouldn't be reacting like this. "What does it matter to you anyways?" Brent asked, crossing his arms. Ryan stood, dumbfounded, one hand on his hip while the other jutted a finger out to poke at Brent's chest. "First off, you touched Brendon..." Ryan paused, nose flaring in his anger, "Your in his presence, and you already breath the same air as him. Which already pissed me off. Brendon is mine, Spencer is mine, don't even think about touching Brendon again." He finished. Brent backed away, rubbing the back of his head.

"Hey you guys coming?" Brendon suddenly called from the threshold of Hot Topic, Ryan's mood took a complete 180, sending a happy smile towards Brendon, "Of course, right Brent?" Ryan hissed, passing by him with sharp glares and their shoulders knocking into each other. Brent simply nodded, confused and overwhelmed, "What the fuck..." He whispered, following Ryan into Hot Topic, watching Brendon immediately joining Ryan's side, talking animatedly to Ryan. Brent forced himself to push away the pit of jealously, sometimes, sometimes he hated them, but it turned out alright in the end usually. 

"Ryan you alright?" Brendon spoke from his side, looking towards the brightly lit and sweet smelling store that Ryan stared at longingly. They were planning on leaving, many bags hanging from Spencer's arms, resembling a soccer mom and all Ryan can see is Spencer driving a minivan and he will forever hold that image in his head because its priceless. Brent carried a few things, keeping by Spencer or simply steering clear of Ryan, trying to fight off the urge to run every time Brendon bounced near him and he could feel his hair stand on edge when Ryan's eyes would cut into his very soul. Now, they stood in front of a generic makeup store, Brendon gazing curiously at his best friend, Ryan nodded slightly, shifting the few bags he held, something clearly on his mind. "I-uh." He paused, turning to look towards Brendon, "I want to go in." Ryan breathed out, anxiety crawling through his skin, times like this he wish he knew how Brendon would react, the other could blow up, ask something stupid, but Brendon simply tilted his head, "Okay, you don't need permission." Brendon stated with a slight shrug, he didn't understand why the other seemed so worried about it. "No- Well, I want to get more into makeup." Ryan whispered out, gazing at one of his best friends. Brendon nodded slowly, "Alright, Ry you do you, whatever you wanna do. I'll always support you." Brendon stated, watching as Ryan broke out into a small smile, he pulled Brendon into a hug, the bags letting out odd noises as the pressure. "You're wonderful, you know that?" Ryan whispered, pulling away and making his way into the store. Brendon stood, blinking, how is Ryan going to shake his whole world and continued on like he didn't fuck up Brendon's confidence and Brendon was suppose to go on like being complimented and just having Ryan fucking Ross in your life is normal?

\----

Long fingers combed through dark locks, a warm blanket covered his body, feeling overall safe. Ryan gazed down at Brendon, whose head sat in his lap, curled on his mattress. Some movie played in the background, the animated singing of 'One Jump Ahead' played in the small apartment, warming the apartment, colors dancing off the cracked walls. "This is nice..." Brendon mumbled out, speech semi-slurred, almost resembling drunk talking, but Ryan knew Brendon was on the verge of sleep, eyes droopy and head heavy on Ryan's lap. Ryan hummed out softly in agreement, the two had an odd relationship, being close for friends, but Ryan chalked it up to Brendon's clinginess and Ryan's inability to say No to Brendon at most times. Ryan thoughts drifted from Brendon to his laptop that sat on the old table, the laptop letting out a ding, curious Ryan gently nudged Brendon, "Let me up." He let out, earning a groan from Brendon, "But you're my personal heater." He grumbled, childishly refusing to move until Ryan huffed, pushing Brendon off of him who finally sat up, eyes following Ryan as he strode over to the laptop. Brendon, curiosity definitely peaked, made his way over, folding himself over Ryan's curved back to allow himself to see Ryan's screen. "Whatcha reading?" He asked into Ryan's ear, biting back the grin that wanted to escape as Ryan shuddered slightly, Brendon forced himself to focus on the very short email that glared brightly at the two. 

'It's Pete, you guys are pretty good. You're In, welcome to Decaydance Records."

"Wait... Did we just get signed...?" Brendon whispered, his half asleep body jolting awake at the shot of excitement that suddenly coursed through his body, body burning as he started to jump up and down as Ryan turned to look at him, eyes wide and a smile slapped onto his soft face. "We fucking did it." Ryan croaked, taking in Brendon's shock and happy expression, the younger nodding happily, "We have to-" Brendon's train of thought died away as Ryan's warm hands cupped his face, brain short circuiting as Ryan pulled him close, hot lips closing over his. Eyes wide, he watched as Ryan's honey eyes slipped closed, body warm against his as Brendon's hands lazily wrapped around Ryan's upper arms. Too soon, way too soon for Brendon to fully appreciate the feeling of Ryan's lips on his, Ryan pulled away, face a soft pink but eyes bright and satisfied. Brendon stood, breaths coming out in quick burst, only coherent thought in his mind being, Fucking Finally. 

The silence must of been too much for Ryan as his smile faded slightly, moving to pull away. Panicked, Brendon pulled the nervous laughing Ryan close a growl of, "Get back here." Their lips crashing awkwardly together, the pull causing the kiss to become almost painful, teeth crashing and pressure rough. But Ryan let out a relieved hum, a noise deep in his throat as Brendon stepped closer, slotting his body against Ryan's, the older males hand sliding to grip the hair at the back of Brendon's head. Ryan using the grip to tilt Brendon's head and there it was. There mouths fitting nicely together, and Brendon felt as if he was on cloud nine, soft lips moving so gently against his, "Been wanting to do this for so long." Ryan breathed against Brendon's angelic lips, pressure turning more aggressive, teeth grazing across his lips, nipping and sucking as Brendon hooked fingers into Ryan's jeans, pulling him even closer, groins rubbing against each other. "Mine." Ryan purred out, emphasizing the point by sinking his teeth into the others bottom lip, pulling away to gaze at the heavy breathing Brendon. A sly grin pulled on slick lips, "You can't just claim me Ross." Brendon teased, groaning as Ryan moved down, eyes dark as he dragged his mouth across the others jaw, teeth sinking into soft skin of Brendon's neck, Ryan could feel Brendon's pulse jump against his lips and god was it intoxicating. The singer blindly pushed things off the Kitchen table, careful of the laptop, Ryan pulling away long enough to pull and push Brendon onto the table, listening to the groan of protest from the old table. "Fuck Ry." Brendon moaned out, Ryan's teeth and lips doing wonders to his neck, leaving dark marks across the pale skin, Ryan humming lowly as his hips begin to grind lazily against Brendon's. Jeans rough and friction equally as harsh. Breaths mingling together as Ryan hovered his mouth over Brendon's, dark eyes meeting dark eyes as well, grins matching.

Despite all the thoughts in Brendon's head, disappointed voices, Brendon forced them away, focusing on Ryan's hot breaths and demanding eyes. His hands slipped between them, a teasing edge in his eyes as his fingers fumbled with the button for a moment. A sly smile pulled itself onto Brendon's lips as he slipped his hand past the band of the others underwear. "Fuck..." Ryan breathed, eyes slipping close for a moment as he pressed his lips against Brendon's, shuddering as the others fingers brushed his cock. The sound of loud knocking pulled an annoyed groan from Ryan, "Its the food..." Ryan murmured, eyes fluttering as Brendon's fingers nimbly wrapped around his cock, "Mm, I think theirs more important matters to attend to." Brendon whispered, squeezing the others cock, Ryan's breath catching his throat as Brendon brushed his thumb against the head. The knocking came again, Ryan choked out Brendon's name, causing Brendon to hum before sliding off the table, hips swaying as Ryan stood, face red and eyes trained on Brendon's fine ass. 

To Ryan's dismay, Brendon striked up a conversation, smiling sweetly despite the delivery driver being flustered at Brendon's obvious hard on. "Alright, have a good night." Brendon chirped, Ryan thanking god that Brendon was finally done, watching as Brendon closed the door and tossed the pizza onto the counter. Ryan hadn't move, pants awkwardly sitting on his legs. "Brendon what uh..." He begun, stopping as Brendon slid back in front of him, smiling sweetly, "Yes Ross?" He asked, tilting his head innocently. Ryan reached out, cupping the side of Brendon's face, smiling as Brendon leaned into the touch, eyes sliding close as Ryan dragged his thumb across Brendon's bottom lip. "I'm screwed." Ryan suddenly murmured, a confused nosie left Brendon as he forced his eyes back open, "I've fallen too far." Ryan continued, joining Brendon with soft chuckles. "At least we're falling together." Brendon added, squeaking as Ryan grinned, picking the other up and tossing the younger male onto the mattress. Brendon opened his legs, allowing Ryan to slid and fit comfortably against him, "Nice and easy." Brendon breathed, choking on a moan as Ryan rolled his hips down into Brendon's, the small apartment being filled with a mixture of quiet moans and gasps. Brendon's thin fingers dug into Ryan's back, bunching up the material of the thin cotton shirt. It was hot, Brendon's hair stuck uncomfortably against his face, jeans rough and the pain almost overriding the pleasure. Though, having Ryan looming over him, the others cock hard and throbbing, Brendon still being able to fill it despite the jeans that they both wore. Somehow it was enough for Brendon, the male jerkily pulling Ryan down, pressing his mouth, panting and wet, against Ryan's neck. The huff of laughter in his ear from Ryan pulled Brendon over the edge, the male arching off the mattress, whimpering against Ryan's skin as pleasure coursed through his body. "Ryan," he almost sobbed out, body trembling as he came. The feeling of the others body trembling against his, Ryan's breath turning ragged as he felt his own climax building, continuing to roll his hips until he was coming quickly after Brendon. Mumbling Brendon's name, arms trembling Ryan carefully dropped himself by the side of Brendon. The two basking in the afterglow, softly panting. They embarrassingly didn't last long, but instead they found themselves meeting each other eyes, laughter quickly tumbled from their lips. Ryan leaned over, smiling stupidly as he pressed a gentle kiss to Brendon's lips, "Be mine?" He asked softly, watching as a dorky smile spread onto Brendon's face, "I don't know why you have to even ask, I was always yours." Ryan grinned brightly, he couldn't help but pull Brendon into a loving hug, nuzzling his nose against Brendon's cheek. "Now I have too use your shitty shower." He brought up, earning a snort from Brendon who cuddled into his chest, "You'll get over it." Ryan pouted as he pulled away, beginning to pull of his pants, cringing as he mumbled out a 'gross'. Brendon chuckled carefully standing up on shaky legs. "Well lets shower then eat some awkwardly cold pizza."

\----

The process of not only having to record a full album, one that was clean and crisp, and hiding a new relationship, well definitely was a lot more difficult then he thought it would be. Arguments were common and the true nature of everyone's skills and talents came into light during this time. The saving grace being how surprisingly patient their record was, helping lease some of the stress that always sat on Ryan shoulders. Their album came along nicely once finished and they begun playing shows, their seemed to still be one just one little problem. Brent Wilson. To say Ryan hates him... well, they would be correct. Ryan knew, oh he knew, this day was coming, knew since Brendon joined the band. Brent couldn't keep up, always stumbling over chords and always needing assistance. Were there other underlining reasons why he had to do what he was doing? Yes. Were they related to Brendon? No comment. 

"You needed me?" Brent asked, entering the hotel room where the band was staying. "Sit." Ryan stated, from the left side of Brendon, the singer sitting there, face carefully blank surprising Brent. He shifted uncomfortable, the tension settling fully as Ryan cleared his throat, eyes trained on the bassist. The bassist sat in the cheap chair across from the pair, Brent hasn't been in the same room with them besides four shows, so of course he found himself giving a small wave to Brendon, only for Brendon to motion for him to cut it. Ryan sighed, posture rigid, "Brent Wilson... I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not a liar." Ryan begun, grunting as Brendon drove his elbow into Ryan's side. Brent furrowed his eyebrows, Ryan always said things complicated, leaving Brent confused a hundred percent of the time. "But we want you to leave."

"How? I just came into this room."

"He means the band." The new voice spoke from behind Brent, Spencer moved from his spot, making his way to sit on Brendon's right side. They watched as Brent sat there, blinking rapidly, "You want me to do what? You're seriously kicking me out?" He cried, standing abruptly. Ryan nodded, Brendon had his head turned, not even looking at the Bassist. "You can't just kick me out, what about the tour?"

"You don't need to worry about that anymore." Brent face contoured itself into a mixture of anger and distraught, "Come on guys, why would you do this to me? I've done nothing wrong, if it wasn't for me, you would never have been able to have Brendon here." Brent growled out, voice rising slightly in his anger.

"Because you fucking suc-"

"Shut up Ross, Don't open your fucking mouth, don't even Smith, I don't want to here either of you two anymore." He paused, ignoring the pissed looks he received from Spencer and Ryan, eyes settling on the fidgeting singer, "Brendon please tell me, come on you know I've done nothing to deserve this." He watched as Brendon shifted, eyes flicking to Ryan who had his arms crossed, very unamused and looked as if he was contemplating attacking the bassist. 

"Look Brent, you.." Brendon paused, shifting trying to find the right words, "To put it nicely, you suck and we decided that panic! will be fine without you." He let out, watching as Brent let out a loud noise, glaring darkly. "Fuck all of you." He hissed out, turning his gaze towards Brendon, a mixture of heartbroken and pure anger filled his chest. "You only got into this band because Ryan wanted a cum bucket, Whore. It has nothing to do with the skill you fucking lack." The words sat in the air for barely a second before Ryan lunged forward, fist easily connecting with Brent's nose. Brendon sat eyes wide and mouth agape, watching as Brent returned the hit to Ryan, Spencer quickly coming in and ripping the two off each other. "Your fucked up." Spencer hissed, dragging Brent out of the hotel room, tossing him out of the room and throwing his bass and suitcase at the idiotic male. Hot words were exchanged between the two musicians, Spencer slammed the door shut after wishing luck on the other to getting back to Vegas. He made his way back to the small room where Brendon sat in Ryan's arms, "Is that true...?" Brendon whispered immediately earning a look from Ryan, "Of course not, he's a fucking idiot." Ryan growled, arms wrapped securely around the singer. Spencer sighed, feeling bad for the male, "Ignore that asshole, you have legit talent B." Spencer stated, carefully dropping himself into an arm chair.

It was quiet for a few minutes, the situation finally sinking in with the rest of Panic! "So, uh. You know how Brent was our Bassist... we don't have one anymore." Brendon let out, speaking out from the spot he was in Ryan's arms.

"Actually." Spencer spoke up, Ryan watching amused as Spencer of all people begun to ramble. "So I know this guy, Jonathon Walker- He's fucking amazing at bass, nice voice, nice face, he's really fucking cute and I'm positive he'll fit right in- Jesus is he nice to look at." Spencer was met with two very amused looks, "What?" He asked, Brendon waved him off smiling softly, "Well, lets meet this Jonathon Walker." Brendon stated, chuckling as Spencer ripped his phone from his pocket. Brendon rolled his head to look up at Ryan grinning, Ryan couldn't help but smile softly in return. Maybe the band will be okay, it'll finally feel right.

"Jon's on his way."

"That was fucking fast."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you for reading! Long chapter compared to the first, but I'm excited to see how its already progressing. Any comments//suggestions are always welcomed!


	3. Summers Lasted Longer Than...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The band meets Jon.  
> Awkwardness and questioning ensues.  
> Double dates and new changes in their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the awkward pacing of this chapter  
> -  
> Warning: Slight Smut and Cussing
> 
> Word Count: 3978

The feeling of the tall, looming buildings made him, someone who had been so use to the semi-open space, and odd buildings of Las Vegas, but now he gazed at sparkling skyscrapers. Watching the bustle of people dressed in stuffy suits and moved way to much for his liking, which was odd coming from Brendon himself. The cut of having to kick Brent still fresh in his mind, but it for some reason didn't bother him as much as he thought it would, a part of him relieved that Brent was gone, that he didn't have to baby Brent. He ripped his gaze from the bustling crowds to where he and the band sat. Brendon shifting in the smooth metal chairs they sat in, eyes drifting from the two empty cups in front of him, one having been coffee and the other hot chocolate, he contemplated wanting to buy another one. The tension made Brendon uncomfortable, a polite cough came from the drummer across them. Brendon placed his eyes on the unknown Bassist that Spencer wanted to introduce them to so badly, the male sat, comfortably in a chair, scruff obvious against his jaw and brown hair swept across his face. 

"So, Walker is it?" 

The voice of the one and only Ryan Ross spoke up, Spencer let out a choked noise, almost dying on the tea he had been previously trying to consume. Jon let out a soft chuckle, watching amused as a loud noise came from underneath the table, Ryan immediately cringing, letting out a soft 'ow'. Brendon smiled sweetly at Jon, he could understand why Spencer thought Jon had a pretty face, not as pretty as Ryan, but no one was as pretty as Ryan. Brendon forced himself to pay attention in the conservation as he had already missed a good portion of the conversation.

"Yeah, I've been playing bass since I was like, fuck 7 or some shit." Jon stated, rubbing his chin as Ryan nodded, "How long have you known our sweet innocent drummer?" Ryan asked, ignoring the look from Spencer and the giggling of Brendon who had rolled his eyes fondly, Jon shifted, chuckling, "Well, I've known him for about two years, I didn't meet him in person until you guys came to New York." Ryan hummed, lacing his fingers together and resting his head on said hands, eyes sparkling, "Interesting -" "Anyways!" Spencer interrupted, huffing out air, "I think we should talk about the important reason why were here." He let out, watching as Ryan tilted his head before nodding with a soft sigh, "Well, we wanted to see if you want to join us for a few practices. Spencer told you about Brent suddenly having to leave, and were now in need of a bassist." Brendon stated, Jon nodded, an excited buzz creeping into his system, he already liked the guys, even if this weird almost interrogation did surprise him, it was fun, he felt safe and just enjoying his time immensely. 

\---

It took only half an hour of Jon playing with them for Brendon to flutter over, reminding Jon way too much of a puppy or some crazy bird, and grasped Jon's arm smiling brightly, "Please be our bassist!" Brendon almost wailed out, hopping in place, Jon shook his head fondly, "Only if your interested." Ryan spoke up, sitting in his corner where he was adjusting the strings to his favorite guitar, Spencer turned in his stool, setting aside his drum sticks as the three members of Panic! stared at Jon, awaiting for his answer. "I'm already your guys bassist." With that Brendon pulled Jon into a hug, the members laughing and smiling happily. Brendon slide away from him making his way to sit by Ryan's side, resting his head against Ryan's leg as Ryan spoke up, "That's wonderful, I hope you settle in quickly, Brendon is a pain to work with." Jon found himself smiling at the offended noise Brendon let out, smacking Ryan's arm semi-playful, "They're literally three." Spencer groaned out, Jon hummed, feeling as if this might have been one of his best choices in his life.

\---

Ryan was not wrong. Not only was Brendon sometimes a pain, the kid had so much energy it fucking blew his mind, Ryan was also a pain in the ass. He understood, Jon feeling the stress as well, but the whole band pushed themselves, none of them warning how much of a perfectionist Ryan truly was at times. But, besides the rough edges of the members, he loved them. Not to mention how unique and semi adorable they all were, Jon wouldn't replace them or change any of them for all the money in the world... Well maybe except for the fact that Jon may or may not have to pretend to be emo, that, that he may want to change. He flicked his eyes up from the papers on the table, watching Ryan and Brendon whisper to each other, they stood in front of a large mirror, make up scattered across the counter. They were cute, the two were very close and fuck it hurts, he hated how cute they were. "Spence," He called softly, the drummer grunted, stopping the fretting he was doing with his hair, "I can't get it right." He grumbled, sitting next to Jon, the bassist huffed out air in amusement. He held his hand out, Spencer reluctantly dropping the comb into Jon's hand, "Where's Matthew?" Brendon called, poking his head up away from where he and Ryan where hunched, looking around for their hair stylist, "I told him I could take care of my own hair." Spencer stated, his eyes boring into Jon who sat silent, working surprisingly quick to comb his hair, eyes eyeing it expertly as he moved his fingers to get the right look. Jon sat back, Spencer finding himself smiling softly as Jon nodded, happy with his work, "Here we go." He let out, picking up a hand held mirror and handing it to Spencer, Spencer accepted it and smiled, eyeing his hair. "Thanks Jon." 

Jon smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head, "Uh yeah of course Spence." Spencer chuckled, eyeing the simple outfit Jon wore, The black vest hugging his body as Jon picked at the short white sleeves. "I uh, actually had a question Spence." Spencer nodded, watching as Jon flicked his eyes towards where Brendon and Ryan stood almost pressed against each other, smiling gently at each other, Ryan murmuring something that caused Brendon to fall into a fit of laughter with a high pitched whine of 'Shut Up.' "What is it?" Spencer asked, Jon looked over, grinning excited, "Don't you think those two are the cutest? You've known them longer- I just want to know if they're dating." He asked quietly, and Spencer couldn't help but laugh, Jon obviously seemed excited, and if it came from anyone else, Spencer would of got defensive, but Jon was someone he trusted, and he definitely didn't have the air of judgment at all. "Well, I have my suspicions of them, but as far as I know no." Jon immediately deflated a pout forming onto his face, "Damn." He muttered, before the whole band turned towards the door of their dressing room being knocked on, "Come in!" Ryan called out, the door opened and their hair stylist slipped into the room smiling gently. "You guys will be on in five." Matthew chirped, red hair with few strands that escaped the short pony tail he had stuck to his face. "Thanks Matthew." Brendon stated, earning a smile from their stylist who held up a thumbs up, eyes falling on Spencer. "Oh, your hair looks so nice, you figured it out I assume then!" Matthew let out, making his way over, green eyes bright behind his glasses, Spencer nodded, "Yeah, Jon helped actually." Matthew nodded, fingers moving gently to touch certain parts of Spencer's hair, eyeing it approvingly, "If you keep working on your skills, I'll be out of a job." Matthew complimented, chuckling as Jon shook his hands as well as his head, Matthew watching as the band stood to start gathering a handful of their items. "But you know to many of our secrets to be fired." Brendon teased, Matthew shook his head before ushering the band out of their room. Jon sliding next to Spencer, sending a loving smile to the drummer who had a slight blush on his face as he sent a smile back to the bassist. "Good luck guys." Brendon sent a wave to Matthew as his and Ryan's arms grazed each other, "We'll be back soon." Matthew rolled his eyes as the band made their way to the stage.

\---

"Are you sure about this?"

"Babe, I've never been so sure about anything else." 

Brendon let out a shaky exhale, fingers playing with the jacket that covered his upper body, one hand moving to interlock his fingers with Ryan's soft ones, though as he looked up, he dropped Ryan's hand as Jon and Spencer came into the dressing room, "Looks like a big crowd tonight!" Jon stated happily, clapping his hands together a large smile on his face, "It'll be fun." Spencer hummed out, Ryan nodded, eyes flicking over to where Brendon's leg constantly brushed his as he bounced his leg up and down, a nervous habit he had. Ryan laid a comforting hand on Brendon's knee, smiling slightly, the bright and exotic eye makeup that Ryan wore and the familiarity of the weight of Ryan's hand helped calm his nerves. He didn't understand why his nerves were going crazy, he always had some form of them, but they were crazy today, completely making him forget almost where he is and who he even is. 

"You okay Bren?" Spencer spoke softly, eyes watching Brendon carefully, the singer nodded slowly, smiling slightly to help ease the others worry. It didn't seem to work as even Jon seemed ready to dig, only for their attention to also be settled on Ryan who didn't look any better, "Could you guys give us some space?" Ryan let out, voice almost clipped and to the point, tone rude, but the two understood, knew how much the two cared for each other. Spencer grabbed Jon's elbow and tugged the bassist out of the room, closing the door behind him with a warning that they had to be on in 15 minutes. Once the door closed, Ryan found himself breathing slowly, surprised to find Brendon wrapping his arms around him, Ryan not realizing he himself as well was shaking. "Its going to be okay." Brendon reiterated, sending a small smile to Ryan. Ryan wanted to comfort Brendon, the male completely ignoring his own nerves to comfort the one who shouldn't be nervous. Ryan let out a soft laugh, "I'm suppose to be comforting you." Ryan murmured, but felt himself relax as Brendon nuzzled his nose against Ryan's neck, "Can't have our guitarist nervous." Brendon simply stated, Ryan found himself jutting his bottom lip out, causing Brendon to quirk an eyebrow up, "Good luck kiss?" He murmured, Brendon rolled his eyes laughing but leaned forward the two brushing lips against each others, Ryan hummed before pressing his lips against the singers, "Love you." Ryan breathed, pulling away and smiling as Brendon had a soft blush, seemingly a lot more calmer now. 

Most times, Ryan believed Brendon was good for him, the other brightening up his life and making it overall more enjoyable- and maybe, maybe this was his fault since they never properly talked about their relationship with stuff on stage, but he couldn't help the slight panic that had came through him with Brendon's actions on stage or in interviews. "Ry its not that serious." Ryan huffed, eyes trained on the wall, back straight and tense. "It fucking is." He hissed, turning and glaring at the main singer. Brendon rolled his eyes, arms crossed over his chest. "Can you pull your head out of ass and think about any consequences that can happen from your actions?" Ryan watched as Brendon recoiled, somewhat surprised, Ryan uncurled from his position and stood, stalking his way over to Brendon who was eyeing him down. "How am I suppose to know whats acceptable when we haven't talked about it?" He shot back, the two standing nose to nose. Ryan's mouth twisted and he reached out, grabbing a handful of Brendon's shirt and pulled Brendon aggressively against his mouth, a pained groan leaving Brendon as his teeth clanked against Ryan's.

"I fucking hate you sometimes..." Brendon murmured, Ryan let out a huff, nipping at Brendon's bottom lip, hands moving to grab rough handful of Brendon's ass, bringing their hips together. "Mm, just be more thoughtful next time." Ryan grumbled, mouth moving to press a kiss against Brendon's jaw, Brendon sighed, hands grabbing fistful of Ryan's stylized hair, "Less talk more touch." Brendon tossed his head back, enjoying the feeling of Ryan's body pressed so hot against him, mouth wanting and Brendon's own body oh so needy. Fingers moving deftly to unbutton the white button up Brendon wore, fingernails scrapping against Brendon's sides, Ryan smirking as Brendon's body shivered, Ryan ducking down, dropping to his knees to press kisses along Brendon's stomach. Brendon gazed down, mouth open slightly as he gazed down at his boyfriend. "Not a good place for this." Brendon spoke, completely contradicting his early statement, though he found himself smiling as Ryan snorted rolling his eyes and moving to unbuckle the others belt, "I think I should punish you Bren..." He purred, Brendon's breath catching in his throat. 

"Hey are you guys done we were planning on-What the fuck!"

The voice of Spencer caused the two to move away, Brendon almost tripping over shit as Ryan stood quickly coughing into his hand and trying to fix his hair as Brendon's fingers stumbled over fixing his buttons. Spencer stood in the doorway, stage makeup and clothes replaced with simple casual wear, eyes wide and surprised. Jon stood behind him, eyes wide and the tension thick. "Uh this er- Definitely not what your thinking." Brendon stuttered, brain trying to understand what has happened in the past few moments. Spencer blinked lazily, "Yeah definitely looks like only PG shit was happening." Spencer let out dryly, entering the room, Jon closing the door behind the two face a mixture of amusement and embarrassment. 

"Well-"

"We're dating." 

Ryan cut Brendon off, swallowing to calm any nerves he had, dusting his shirt off, Brendon gazed at him surprised while Spencer had a soft smile, "I thought- we were going to wait." Brendon stated, moving to sit on one of the seats while Ryan dropped into the seat next to him, Ryan nodded slightly watching as Spencer sat and Jon was on the verge of crying- which was really confusing. "With coming out publicly, but we can trust them obviously." Brendon nodded, breathing out softly and sending a soft smile. "I'm." Jon started, fanning his face, causing Brendon to worry for a moment, "I'm so fucking happy! You guys are so fucking cute, oh my god Spence I knew it." Jon cried happily, gripping the drummers arm and beginning to shake him, Spencer let the bassist shake him, smiling at the two. "I think your decision to hide it was smart- sadly, but thank you for trusting us with this information." Spencer stated, watching happy expressions pull onto their faces. "Great!" The two let out at the same time, causing the whole band to fall into soft laughter.

\---

Their tour went well surprising well, Brendon feeling as if had been on a high the whole time, meeting fans who knew their faces, sang the words Ryan had poured his heart into and it was exhilarating. Seeing their faces everywhere and winning awards, it still blew his mind knowing that Sins won video of the year, it was almost a dream. It hasn't been an easy ride, but being able to do what he loved everyday was insane. His eyes fell onto Ryan who sat in the drivers seat, dressed in a semi casual semi formal clothes, a white button up and a nice pair of jeans. "You look nice." Brendon breathed out, smiling at the soft quirk of the lips Ryan gave, "Not as good as you do." He wasted no time in replying, Brendon rolled his eyes, shifting and relaxing into the seat. Gone was Ryan's shitty old car and now he drove a somewhat nicer car, everything working well and it sounded nice when Ryan drove it. 

"We're meeting the guys their right?" Brendon asked, earning a nod from Ryan, "Yeah Spence stated their going to be their before us." Brendon nodded, bouncing his leg in excitement, "Ah can't wait to see them."

\--

"They're on their way?" Jon found himself asking, stretching as he pulled himself from the car, groaning as his back popped, "Yeah- Should be here in twenty minutes." Jon nodded, the bassist wasting no time in tossing his arm over Spencer's shoulder as soon as the other came close, "This is going to be fun then." Jon stated, the two entering the nice restaurant, immediately being hit with a warm atmosphere, the soft chatter of people gave Jon a warm filling. "I never done a double date before though," Spencer let out, his hand interlacing with Jon's hand that hung from his shoulder. Jon chuckled, eyes falling onto the hostess who smiled warmly at the two, "Reservation for Walker." The hostess nodded, grabbing four menus, "Are the other two meeting you?" Jon nodded in response, the two following the hostess to a booth, "Thank you." Spencer hummed out, sliding into the booth Jon sliding in next to him. The two found themselves exchanging smiles, barely hearing the hostess introduce their waitress, the two ordering their drinks as Spencer settled back into his seat, "This double date is going to be so fun!" Jon chirped, more excited than Spencer who rolled his eyes, "Jon calm down," He stated, watching as the bassist pouted and leaned over nuzzling Spencer's cheek. "Come on you love it." 

Spencer simply sighed, leaning against Jon who resorted into whispering softly into Spencer's ear, enjoying the small sighs or the clap-backs he got. Almost half an hour later Jon found himself being pulled from the story Spencer had been telling about Ryan being an idiot, by a very familiar and loud voice. "GUYS!" The duo looked up to see Brendon coming over, a happy smile on his face, basically bouncing as he threw himself into his seat, a simple black shirt could be seen poking out from the soft lavender hoodie, eyes bright. "Late- Sorry." Ryan rushed out, eyes flicking around anxiously as he sat down, "Its fine." Spencer said softly, watching as Ryan nodded, visibly relaxing, Brendon placed a hand on Ryan's arm smiling and with that Ryan fully relaxed. "This place is a little fancy." Brendon whined, looking around as most of the people were wearing more formal attire, even Spencer and Jon were dressed nice. "I told Ryan to let you know." Spencer replied, amused as Brendon turned to look at Ryan who shrugged, lips twitching, "I wanted to make sure you were comfortable Bren." Spencer found himself turning to give a sharp look at Jon who in return gave a confused look. "What?" He asked, not liking the look at all, "Why can't you be sweet like that." 

"Hey!"

The laughter of the other two caused Spencer to chuckle as well as Jon pouted slightly, looking up as their waitress came up smiling sweetly, "Can I get you guys anything?" She asked, long black hair curled and a smile plastered on her face, "A new boyfriend please, preferably a romantic one." Spencer deadpanned, ignoring the offended noise from Jon and the loud laughter of Brendon and the quiet snickers from Ryan encouraged the waitress to laugh along to Jon's silent suffering.

"Well- that could of been worse." Brendon mused as he stepped out of the restaurant, body close to Ryan who carried the bag containing their left overs. "It's only good for you, I've never been so attacked in my life." Jon complained, immediately slumping against Spencer who grunted, gently elbowing his boyfriend. Brendon chuckled, feeling light and relaxed, eyes falling on Ryan who looked equally as relaxed. This was great, it was mind blowing almost to see all of them relaxed and happy, it was almost equivalent to being on stage, just without the pressure, a lot more lax and calm. "Actually, before you guys decide to run off, we have something for you." The voice of Jon caused Brendon to look up towards him, wondering what the others could possibly be talking about, "What?" He asked confused, Ryan raised an eyebrow, leaning slightly against Brendon. "I didn't know we were getting gifts." Ryan stated, Spencer shook his head smiling, "We weren't, this is somewhat of a combined gift from us and Pete." They watched as Spencer dug in his pocket, pulling out a pair of keys, Brendon felt a weird bubbling settle in him as him and Ryan were tossed the same set of keys, Brendon almost dropping them in his anxious state. "What is this?" Ryan spoke, examining the metal key, before the guitar key-chain, cheesy but cute. "Well, we know you two have been talking about getting a legit place to live, Bren's apartment was too small and crappy and seeing as you two are always busy... So with the help of the guys we found a place you two can actually live." It was silent for a moment, the words ringing in their ears. "Rea-What?" Brendon tripped over his words as Ryan gripped the keys tightly, the guitarist now buzzing, wasting no time in gripping Brendon's hand. 

"We can show you the place tomorrow its nothing crazy, but its an actual place." Jon added, smiling at the amazed looks that fell on their faces, Spencer smiling softly as The duo moved, pulling Spencer and Jon into tight hugs, "Wow-I," Brendon seemed a lost for words, giving up on trying to talk as Ryan let out a choked laugh, feeling elated. "You can pay us back when we fully blow up." Spencer joked, earning laughs from everyone. 

\---

"Alrighty, that should be all of the boxes." Ryan huffed out, clapping his hands to get off any dust, his eyes falling around the room, boxes stacked everywhere, mattress leaning against the wall, and Brendon poked his head out of the bathroom, grinning. "Thank you!" He murmured, moving over, the two exchanging a soft kiss, as they pulled apart, their eyes met and stupid smiles pulled onto their faces. "I fucking love you," Brendon whispered, Ryan found his face heating slightly, despite all the times they exchange those words, Ryan still felt embarrassed. "Love you too." Brendon smiled brightly, eyes equally bright behind his red frames. 

"I can't believe we actually live in a house now," Brendon stated, moving towards the living room, Ryan following behind like a lost puppy, the two dropping down onto the white couch. "Well... we're now in debt to the guys." Ryan responded, arms wrapped around Brendon who laid settled between his legs. Chin propped on Ryan's chest, "Mm they're see their money back soon." Ryan hummed, eyes almost close as Brendon surged up, the two falling into another kiss. Brendon shifted, allowing himself to crawl up a bit more, mouth opening as Ryan's tongue slipped into Brendon's mouth, their breathing turning heavy as the kiss turned heavy. After a few minutes, Brendon pulled away, face red and eyes dark, he grinned, "Shall we break in our new house," Brendon suggested, wiggling his eyebrows, with a snort Ryan gripped Brendon's ass voice low, "I enjoy that idea immensely Urie."

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update took way too long to be put out, hopefully this chapter was alright, a bit rushed in my opinion but I may or may not have forgotten how I wanted this chapter to play out.
> 
> Next chapter will be better written, and I originally planned for this to be 10 parts, but may be longer seeing as how I'm pacing it at the moment.


	4. All I Should Have Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whelp, lets go gamers enjoy this one.
> 
> Tension, sadness, what a fun combination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Huge time jump, as in at least two years, cussing and some tears lets do this gamers.
> 
> Word Count: 3167

\---

No matter how many times he's woken up like this, he doesn't believe he'll ever get use to this. A soft smile curled onto his lips as he shifted himself, head resting on a softly moving chest, long arms wrapped around his body, blankets soft and warm around him. Waking up warm and loved was something Brendon hoped he always had, his eyes softly fluttering open, vision blurry as he blinked a few times, carefully moving to reach over to Ryan's nightstand, slipping his glasses onto his face. "Stay..." The soft murmur of his boyfriend caused Brendon to chuckle, leaning back down and brushing his nose against Ryan's jaw, "Come on sleepyhead." He cooed, rolling his eyes as Ryan shook his head, keeping his eyes closed in childish nature. Brendon blinked, looking down at him before grinning, wiggling out of Ryan's arms, rolling off the bed, almost stumbling and falling. He stood, making his way to the foot of the bed, grinning. "Ross! You have three seconds to get up." He watched as Ryan turned and pulled the blankets over his face. Brendon reached forward, fingers wrapping around Ryan's ankle and he tugged Ryan out of bed, spinning away from Ryan who cried out and cussed when he hit the carpeted floor. Eyes wide in surprise as they fell on the giggling Brendon, "Warned you." With that, Brendon dipped out of his bedroom, smiling as he made his way to his kitchen, feeling oh so happy about the fact that it was actually a decent size and he could make legit food. 

He stuck his head in the fridge, pulling out eggs, bacon and basic veggies, humming a soft tune as Ryan entered the kitchen, eyes falling onto Brendon who had his ass sticking out. A cry echoed through the kitchen as Ryan's hand made contact with Brendon's ass, "Potatoes?" He asked, ignoring the recent action he had done, finding soft flutters of amusement fill him as Brendon pouted, playfully glaring at him. "Only if you're cutting them." Brendon responded, the two moving around each other to grab cutting boards and bowls.

"What's the occasion for this breakfast?" Ryan suddenly spoke up over the radio, eyes moving from his board to where Brendon stood over the stove, body moving slightly to the beat. "It's our last Friday before we go to the cabin, we planned this group breakfast." Brendon stated, turning to look at Ryan who was scowling slightly as he was thinking, "Did I actually remember something that you didn't?" Brendon asked excitedly, knowing it was true by the way Ryan's scowl deepened, "No..." He trailed off, but couldn't stay annoyed for long at the way Brendon's face has lightened up. "The rest are coming then?" To that Brendon nodded, attention back on the stove. The sound of their doorbell going off made Ryan nod, "I'll get it, just stay here looking pretty," Ryan hummed out, pressing a kiss to Brendon's cheek as he passed by him. Ryan made his way to the door, passing by their heavily decorated walls, thanks to Ryan's obsession with having vintage things and Brendon's inability to not put it somewhere, well it left for an interesting home. 

Brendon had a soft smile on his face, he couldn't help the constant happiness he felt ever since Afycso had released, finally seeing all the nights practicing actually meant something and to have Ryan at his side like this, it had to be heaven. He looked up as voices filled their house, eyes falling on Jon and Spencer who followed Ryan, "Already smells great!" Jon cried, excited as he set down a jug of orange juice, Spencer rolled his eyes fondly at Jon, "Thanks!" Brendon chirped, turning back to the stove, Spencer smiled at Ryan who sent a slight smile, the two exchanging a hug. Jon yawned, rubbing his eyes as he dropped himself down onto the stool in front of the island, "Tired?" Ryan asked, voice slightly amused, but he dropped himself down next to the bassist. "The lazy ass woke up ten minutes before we had to leave." Spencer drawled, smirking as Brendon snorted in amusement, Ryan's own amusement leaving quickly as Brendon spoke, tone entirely teasing. "Don't worry, Ryan ate carpet, had to pull him out of bed." Brendon chuckled as Ryan let out a complete offended noise, slouching against the wall, Jon had let out a soft laugh, running his hand through his semi wet hair. 

Despite Jon and Ryan being mocked for being lazy this morning, they all sat at the Island, plates piled with way too much food and cups filled with juice or coffee. "So, first things first," Jon spoke, swallowing a mouth full of bacon and potatoes, "I got the weed." Jon spoke happily, earning a bunch of different looks, "Jon, I love you, but let me eat before I think about any drugs." Spencer spoke, eyeing Jon over his fork before stuffing his face, Jon pouted, turning puppy eyes towards Brendon and Ryan, hoping the two would maybe be as excited as he was. Brendon had a thoughtful look on his face, opening his mouth, which definitely had food still in it. But Ryan slapped his hand over Brendon's mouth not missing a beat, "Swallow first." Brendon did just that, wiggling his eyebrows at his boyfriend, "leave that talk for the bedroom." He cooed, earning a disgusted look from Ryan and an equally disgusted one from Spencer, "GROSS." Spencer choked out, Jon opened his mouth, only for Spencer to cut his gaze towards the male who immediately shut his mouth. "You got him trained or something?" Brendon asked, cringing as Ryan had slapped his arm for his comment, "Can I have the book?" Ryan asked, "We might die in the cabin without them being trained." Ryan spoke solemnly, Spencer gave a sympathetic look, "Don't worry they'll be trained before then." He spoke, earning a nod from Ryan, "Actually I don't to go to the cabin anymore..." Brendon whined out, earning an agreeing nod from Jon.

\---

The cabin... It may have been a mistake, ideally, being put in a cabin away from civilization with your boyfriend and two of your best friends sounds wonderful. Instead, they found themselves stressed, mainly lying around getting high or drunk, songs chugging along slowly and Ryan and Brendon were almost always close to killing each other, apparently living together and being in a cabin together were completely different. Ryan couldn't leave the Cabin, technically he can, but not far. Brendon getting on his nerves almost everyday, energy way too much to handle and the constant whine. He knew Brendon was clingy, that much obvious simply from them being on stage and he was even clingy before they were dating. Don't get him wrong, he loved Brendon, he couldn't possibly live without him, but for fuck sake if Brendon seriously didn't shut the fuck up for more than one second, he might lose it. 

"Hey Ryan." Ryan, had held in his groan, looking up from where he sat in the small office, wedged in between the bookshelves, a book perched delicately in his hands. He was silent, staring at Brendon, waiting for the other to talk. Brendon hesitated, definitely not getting a good vibe off of the other, but, he pushed through it and made his way over. He dropped himself into a crouch in front of Ryan, "So... uh." He paused, any courage leaving him as Ryan had a dip in his facial features, "What." he cut Brendon's thinking off, eyes narrowed as Brendon flinched, "I just wanted to see if you wanted to-"

"No." The quick cut off caused Brendon to flinch once more, hating the emotion that creep though him as Ryan scowled, "I don't want to do anything besides sit here. By myself. Just leave me the fuck alone for two seconds god." Brendon frowned, trying to push away the sting in his eyes, "O-Okay I'll just yeah." He jumped up, disappearing from the room quickly. Ryan sat alone for a few moments before he sighed, dropping his book and rubbing his temples, guilt instantly crawled through him. He knew Brendon only wanted attention, or the comfort of having someone near him, but Ryan just got way too overwhelmed by Brendon, and, instead of getting up to comfort his boyfriend. He kept himself tucked in the quiet room, stubborn and forcing himself to enjoy the solitude that he forcibly brought upon himself. 

\----

Pretty. Odd. 

The album changed a lot. Changing not only Panic's 'sound', but brought in new fans. Brendon should of been a lot happier, honestly, he was happy with how Panic was coming along, proud of all of them...

But, things have been tense. Not with the band, but with his and Ryan's relationship. They still loved each other, well, from what Brendon can tell, he loved Ryan still, will always love him. The only times the two seemed completely at ease was when they were playing alone, not in front of an audience or where they didn't have to worry about anyone judging them. 

Brendon gazed across at Ryan, the band having finished a show and the male just stood tense, back rigid and body automatic as he wiped off sweat from his face, yanking off the cords that were riddled in his clothes. Ryan ignoring the techies telling him to wait, "Just leave me alone." He hissed, yanking off his vest and throwing it aside. Brendon watched, a worried look on his face as Ryan stormed off, "What's wrong with him?" Jon spoke, a frown on his face, Brendon shrugged shoulders slumped. "He was fine on stage... He was fine at home, I don't know what happened." He let out, not liking the look on Spencer's face.

That night, Ryan spent the night in the guest room, Brendon sighing as he sat up. Feeling cold alone, his eyes falling to the clock that glared at him with 1:04 am. He chewed on his bottom lip, debating before he slide out of bed, making his way quietly towards the guest room, he gently knocked on the door, he stood for at least two minutes, receiving nothing, he shook his head, turning only to stop as Ryan's voice came from the other side. "Come in." Brendon opened the door, eyes easily finding Ryan who sat leaning against the window, not moving to look at Brendon. "Ry... Whats wrong?" He spoke up, only for Ryan to shake his head, he motioned to the bed, Brendon making his way over and climbing onto the bed. Moments later Ryan sat across from him, Brendon getting glimpses of dried tears and instantly was on edge. "Bren..." Ryan begun, cringing as his breathing became slightly quicker, hands twisting the sheets, the only sign of Ryan ever panicking. "What if I wanted to leave the band?" The sudden rushed question caused Brendon to take a few moments, eyes widening as he finally understood what has been asked. "Y-You want to leave...?" He croaked out, voice wavering slightly, Ryan hesitated, hating how Brendon was looking at him, eyes wide as if he was looking at a stranger. "I- I'm just asking..." Brendon took in a deep breath of air, heart racing slightly, "I mean... You know I would never want you to be were you don't want to be here. I want you to do what will make you happy... I'm always here for you Ry." He whispered, a cry leaving him as Ryan surged forward, pulling Brendon into a hug, confused as too why tears were hitting his shirt, but he didn't like what he thought was going to happen.

That night Ryan talked, Brendon finally understanding to an extent why Ryan had seemed so tense. Hating how deep people were looking into every action they did, how the two can't go on a date, worried that people would take pictures or just assume things. Brendon could understand to an extent, couldn't fully understand why Ryan was so worried about people finding out... Maybe he should be more sympathetic but he wanted to be able to act like a normal couple...

\---

(LETs go bois, warning, capetown shit.)

One of their last shows, a show that too come will be one that will forever hurt Brendon. 

The crowd was wonderful and the place was beautiful, after the show the band wasted no time in going to local bar and getting at different levels of wasted. "Hey Bren," said male looked over, a small smile on his face as Ryan grinned brightly at him, moving forward and pressing a kiss to Brendon's forehead, earning a happy hum from him. "The show went well," Brendon breathed out, being ignored by Ryan who buried his face in Brendon's neck, pressing a kiss to Brendon's neck. "Come on Ry.." Brendon, being surprisingly, more sober than the guitarist, gently nudged him away, not liking the look they received from the bartender, "but Bren... I love you." He murmured, slumping against Brendon, the male huffed, rolling his eyes but buried his face into the soft curls, looking over at Spencer and Jon who were in a deep conversation, occasionally being interrupted by Jon's chuckles. "Do you want to go back to the room?" Brendon asked, much rather wanting to spend some alone time with his boyfriend, "No." Brendon huffed, uncurling from the odd grip Ryan had him, "Remember about your rule with PDA?" Brendon asked, earning a slight scowl from the male, "Well, Spence I'm going to head out, bring him back safely soon?" He asked, earning a nod from the drummer who gazed at Ryan who had rested his chin on his palm, staring at Brendon expectantly. "Love you..." Brendon whispered into Ryan's ear, pulling away and only earning a disinterested hum from Ryan, Brendon ignored it shaking his head. 

He got back to the hotel with only a slight stumble in his step, tossing himself onto his mattress, gazing at his suitcase before deciding a long shower will do nicely. Well... apparently a long shower meant almost an hour of being stupid in the bathroom, coming out of the bathroom nice and clean, dressed in a simple shirt and boxers, he crawled under his sheets. Checking his phone with a frown seeing nothing from Ryan. He tried forcing himself to stay up, but a combination of exhaustion and alcohol caused Brendon to pass out, the last thought being worry for his boyfriend. 

Waking up to the sound of his phone going off definitely was Brendon's least favorite thing to do, head pounding and light way to harsh, he picked the phone up, clearing his throat, "Hello?" He let out, sitting up and rubbing his eyes, " Brendon!" The cry of Spencer caused Brendon to frown, confused, "Is Ryan with you?" Brendon looked around, noting the side next to him was empty, he slipped out of bed looking around the hotel room. "No..." Yep, that's panic definitely beginning to creep in and before Brendon could try to calm him down, the soft exhale of "Fuck," from the other line definitely accelerated the panic, "Spencer. Where is Ryan?" He asked, stomach churning, "Well funny thing is- I don't know... he disappeared with some girl last night." Brendon had to push down with all his being the want to scream. "Some girl?" He repeated, voice low, "Yeah, I would avoid the internet and wait for Ryan to come-" Brendon jumped across the room, ripping out his laptop, turning it on and leg bouncing rapidly, "Spencer I swear to god- It can't be that bad right?" He asked, not liking the sigh he received from Spencer, Brendon clicked on his browser, opening up social media and yep. His heart stopped, laughing nervously, "What the fuck." He hissed, eyes glued to the many pictures of Ryan attached to some girl, even worse to see his lips attached with someone else. "Brendon-"

"No. Just leave me alone." Brendon groaned, hanging up and pressed his palms against his eyes, trying to push away the images, heart beating rapidly and eyes stinging, palms becoming wet. "It d-doesn't mean anything." He whispered to himself, shaking. "What doesn't mean anything." The grumble from a new voice caused Brendon to look up, eyes falling on the one and only Ryan Ross, in the same clothes he wore the other night, clothes rumbled and hair a mess. His vision blurring as they fell on the smudges of lipstick on Ryan's neck. "What did you do last night?" Brendon hissed, choking on air slightly as tears slipped from his eyes, Ryan winced, face twisting in guilt and fuck why did it feel as if Brendon couldn't breath. "Babe-" Ryan spoke moving to go towards Brendon only for Brendon to scramble off the bed, wincing as he hit the ground wrong but he still glared at his suppose boyfriend. "Its-" Brendon cut him off by holding his hand out, stopping Ryan mid-sentence, "No... The Ryan I knew wouldn't cheat on me- Tell me that I know my boyfriend, tell me you didn't fuck some random girl?" He asked, staring at Ryan who only looked away, Ryan's own eyes getting watery. A harsh laugh came from Brendon who grabbed handfuls of his hair, "Oh my fucking god." He breathed out, shaking. Ryan stood for a moment, feeling defensiveness flare in his own chest, "What about the guy you've been talking too?" Ryan's accusation caused Brendon to blinked multiple times, laughing and throwing his hands up. "Dallon? A friend?" He asked, stepping away as Ryan jerkily nodded, "Holy shit Ryan- DO you really think I've been cheating?" Brendon suddenly asked, looking away, he didn't want to look at him anymore. 

"I can't believe the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, possibly marry, would EVER think I would cheat on him." 

Those words broke Ryan's heart, mouth opening, he wanted to say so much, but it all just fell away as Brendon gazed at him, eyes full of tears and looking so broken, he simply stood as Brendon stormed out of the room, the door slamming ringing in Ryan's ears. 

\---

"I think we need a break." Brendon choked those words out, starring at Ryan's back, hating how silent and unresponsive he was. 

"I need a break from it all. You and the band." 

The cold delivery of those words caused Brendon to flinch, eyes falling on the suitcases that sat by Ryan's side. Brendon kept his mouth close, squeezing his eyes closed, he always said he would support Ryan, and... If a break could fix whatever happened, then... who was Brendon to stop Ryan.

"I-I okay... Okay, you know I won't stop you.." Brendon whispered, not looking up as Ryan breathed heavily, every move sounding loud to his ears as he stood and grabbed his bags.

"Stay safe..." Brendon breathed out, Ryan simply hummed, pressing a gentle kiss to Brendon's wet cheek, leaving Brendon alone in a suddenly too large house and heart suddenly gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll are welcome.


	5. A Fly That's Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan's gone.  
> Brendon's lost.  
> Spencer is trying his best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Depression, Cussing, all that fun shit
> 
> Word Count: 3149

\------

Waking up use to be one of the best things for him, waking up in a warm bed, a familiar weight pressed to his back and a kiss to his forehead.

Waking up once had him looking forward to what the day could have in storm for him. 

Waking up once meant that his life had a reason.

Waking up once meant that Ryan Ross was in his life.

Now, he woke to a cold bed, the pictures that once hung from his walls now stored in boxes had mocked him. Instead of turning and waking with the sun, he turned, burying his face into the empty space next to him, and maybe, maybe if he closed his eyes hard and forgot about reality, he could feel warm lips pressed to his temple, a husky voice whispering good morning and just wondering how his life had been so good.

He woke and dreaded, wishing that he could close his eyes and fall back into the deep abyss where anything could be his reality, instead, here he laid, body limp and eyes empty. He couldn't, he wouldn't fathom how the other could just up and leave him so quickly, gone before he could fully comprehend that this was reality.

Brendon Urie no longer felt like himself. He must be dead and sent to hell for all his mistakes, how could anyone think that he could possibly go on when the one he loved left without so much as a goodbye. But he knew he wasn't dead, stuck in the harsh reality that is his life. He rolled over, facing away from the windows that had the curtains drawn tightly over them, shivering as he rolled onto the side of his bed that's been empty for almost a whole year. A year should of numb the pain, instead, he believed he's learned to live with it, mulling it over and just trying to live to an extent. 

He groaned loudly as his doorbell went off, Brendon squeezing his eyes shut and burying his face into... he sighed, pushing away the name and breathed in deeply, the scent that once lingered on the pillow long gone. The doorbell went off once more, but Brendon figured if he could ignore his body needs, he can ignore a fucking doorbell. "Bren- Come on!" The call of his name caused Brendon to sigh, cringing as he sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes, wishing that Spencer would just leave him the fuck alone sometimes. Soft knocking came from his bedroom door before Spencer slowly opened the door, Brendon regretting looking at Spencer who gazed at him with a mixture of what could be annoyance and sorrow. Despite the hate that he sometimes had for not being able to be alone, deep down he appreciated Spencer. He couldn't have done this by himself. "What?" Brendon croaked out, falling back onto the mattress, tired of looking at Spencer who seemed to pity him and be angry all at once, Spencer not only losing his childhood friend but his relationship with Jon becoming shaky as Jon had left with Ryan. 

"Practice." Spencer stated softly, earning a nod from Brendon, "I'll meet you in the kitchen, I brought Breakfast." With that Spencer slipped out of the room, closing the door softly behind him, leaving Brendon alone with his thoughts. He breathed out shakily, taking a minute to pull himself from the mattress and he wobbled on his feet, spending two days in bed apparently did not do wonders to his body. He ignored everything in his brain as he forced himself to move robotic in getting dressed, phone finding its way into the pocket of his jeans and he left his bedroom. House now forever too big for him, his eyes finding Spencer who sat perched at his island, a bag sat on the island and Spencer looked bored, eyes trained on a book. "Hey..." Brendon greeted after a moment, dropping himself next to Spencer, "Dallon and Ian are already at the studio, you have ten minutes." Spencer listed off, smiling encouragingly at Brendon who nodded, digging through the bag and pulling out a container of pancakes and a bottle of OJ, feeling a bit better. "Thanks." With that, he begun eating quickly, his body screaming from not eating properly this week, Spencer watched, wishing that things hadn't turned out this way, hating seeing their once such tight knitted group being torn apart and Brendon still completely fucked after a year. 

\---

Practice always dragged on for too long, arms cramping way to quickly and it took too long for his body to relax. Most of the time, Brendon would rather destroy every instrument, rip his hair out and sob very loudly, instead he bottled it. Falling into an easy pattern of Dallon and Spencer talking, Ian occasionally adding in and Brendon staring into the distance, strumming random chords. Today had been different, the chords falling together a bit easier and his voice doing what he wanted, eyes squeezed tight as he focused on playing, listening to the instruments blend together and yes- He felt okay. Everyone had noticed how better this day has been, Brendon talking more and being a bit more normal. He didn't always sit so broken, a year of swimming in the same insecurities and feelings would cause someone to become numb or use to it, but it didn't take much for Brendon to fall apart. "Spence, can you run through that once more?" Brendon spoke up, pausing to down a half a bottle of water as Spencer nodded, shifting himself on his stool, adjusting his grip on his drumsticks, giving a thumbs up when he was ready. 

Once practice ended, Brendon bid goodbye to everyone, arriving home quickly. He locked his front door behind him, throwing his keys on the counter and kicked his shoes off. "Welcome home..." He whispered to himself, walking through the dark house and entered his office, ignoring the growl his stomach gave he turned his desktop on, pulling his phone out, eyebrows knitting together at the sight of his text messages and notifications.

He sighed, chewing on his bottom lip as he opened Instagram, completely ignoring his actual account, he signed into maybe one of the saddest things he had, a undercover account. 

Brendon was never someone who ever did anything healthy, he knew that, having odd obsessions and just tended to bottle things up. Spencer unfortunately being on the brute end of most of his breakdowns. He opened his DM's, maybe talking to someone who didn't know him like his band did would help. He clicked the first DM, being from an account TragicCigarette. 

TC: BBBB, did you see his new post

Brendon sighed, slumping back into his seat, he was screwed, its been a year and know Brendon found himself stalking a certain person... If he was going to ignore him, that sting will forever hurt, he believed, he may as well stalk him seeing as he been blocked on his actual account. 

BT: Whose?

TC: *Sent @Thisistherealryanross post*  
With that Brendon scowled, stomaching jumping as he threw his phone aside, hands shaking. He shouldn't have been surprised, but it hurt. Hurt seeing someone that he put so much into, just move on so quickly. Seeing Ryan with another person, a guy of all things, it hurt. He stood up on shaky legs, deciding that he had enough strength to at least shower, his body on autopilot as his mind raced, Brendon forcibly trying to calm everything down. "I hate myself so much." He whispered, standing in the bathroom, resting against the wall waiting for his water to warm up. The... split, caused so much to happen, Brendon mused solemnly, the thought of giving up completely having seemed so welcoming to him. He eyed his shower curtains, fingers combing through his hair as he set aside his glasses, blinking to adjust to the blurriness. The idea of tossing in the towel with his music and just crawling into a hole and sleeping forever had came into his mind so many times, but with the help of Spencer and Sarah... God just thinking about Spencer made Brendon's guilt rise, fuck he tore him and Jon apart and he can't even do anything about his own relationship let alone trying to help Jon and Spencer. Brendon suddenly tossed himself into the shower, the shock of water hitting him stopped his thoughts, Brendon pressed his forehead against the tile of the wall, water cascading against his back. Brendon didn't know how long he stood in the water, eyes close and for a moment, Brendon forgot what year it was. The male feeling his body shudder as memories of hot breath fanning against his neck and lips pressing against the side, a familiar voice whispering sweet nothings before Brendon opened his eyes, red and brimmed with tears as he sniffed. "Why can't I get over you like you did with me...?" He asked to no one, so confused on what he's done wrong to deserve any of this. 

\---

Of course, sleep came hard, Brendon finding himself always cold and bed to big, Brendon having pushed his best against the wall so he could have something sturdy behind him, having grown out of needing Spencer with him. This night was like no other, his eyes dancing across bare walls, save for a bookshelf and his acoustic guitar that sat in the corner, mocking Brendon every time he even so much as thought about looking at it. He turned, looking up at the ceiling, wondering if Spencer, or even Sarah were still up, knowing his odds probably not. Nonetheless, he reached out for his phone, grabbing it along with his glasses, almost poking his eye out as he set them on his face. He unlocked his phone, squinting as he got use to the light from the screen, the bright white numbers '12:23 am' starred at him, Brendon only hesitating for a moment before opening Sarah's contact, hitting the call button. He forced himself to sit up, pressing his back against the wall, listening to the ringer. He wasn't counting on Sarah answering, so when she answered after the first two rings he felt blessed. 

"Bren- Hey its fucking late what's popping?" The sweet voice of Sarah came from the other side and Brendon allowed himself to breath a bit easier, "I'm sorry I'm bothering you I'm just... Just." Brendon didn't need to finish as Sarah chuckled, "I'll be over in a bit yeah? Disney movies?" Brendon couldn't fight the slight smile that had forced its way onto his face, "Yeah sounds good." The soft voice of another female could barely be heard before Sarah giggled, "Nic told me to bring Ice Cream, so get the couch ready!" Brendon chuckled nodding despite Sarah not being able to see, "Alright, tell Nic I said Hey." Sarah hummed in response, "See you soon Brendon." With that Sarah ended the call, Brendon set his phone aside, feeling a bit better, usually he called either Sarah or Spencer, the two being able to help when Brendon found himself on the edge or just when he needed some physical comfort. He slide out of bed, fluffy blankets wrapped around his body as he exited his room, the blanket dragging across his hardwood floors. He entered his living room, carefully side stepping around certain belongings. The vintage items being some of the few things that he kept out, not wanting to completely make it seem as if Ryan had never been here, that would of been more painful. He shook his head, finding himself looking forward to seeing Sarah, he settled himself down on his couch, arranging the pillows and he leaned back against them, eyes falling onto a small palm tree that sat in a pot in the corner of his room. "You've been looking a bit sad big guy." Brendon murmured, snorting at himself for talking to his plant, but he really didn't care. 

It only took Sarah about twenty minutes to arrive at Brendon's, her hair tied back and she wore a pair of sweat pants and a comfy sweater. "Brendon!" She greeted out happily, kicking off her Chuck's and zoomed over towards where Brendon sat snuggled in blankets, the male smiling slightly at Sarah. "Hey..." He greeted softly, Sarah sighed slightly, setting the plastic bag down that contained a pint of ice cream, soda and some snacks. "You've been good?" She asked, despite knowing the answer already, Brendon normally didn't call her so late at night unless it's important. The look that she received was more then enough indication. "Oh babe," She stated, earning a huff, but Brendon leaned into the hug he received from her, her hands moving to smooth down Brendon's messy hair. "I... I'm so stupid Sarah, not only am I still so fucking not over him... I just let him go.." He murmured, Sarah shook her head gently, arms still wrapped around Brendon who started to shake, "Was-Was it because I'm not good enough? I couldn't make him stay and I didn't make you happy... Am I just that bad?" He let out, choking on his last word as he pressed his face into Sarah's neck, tears beginning to roll down his face. While Sarah only briefly met Ryan, she could see how much the two loved each other, Sarah being one of the first people there for him after Ryan walked out. "Oh Bren, it's not that... You're amazing, our relationship was completely different, with him he was stupid to cheat on you, stupid to just walk out. It's not your fault." Brendon simply breathed out harshly, seeking the slight amount of comfort he received from Sarah's hand in his hair. "Can we just watch some movies?" He asked after a moment, pulling away and used the sleeves of his sweater to dry off his face, Sarah smiled sadly but nodded, moving over to Brendon's DVR player, digging through his movie collection. "Any requests?" She piped from her spot, Brendon watching with slight interest. Him and Sarah dated for about two months before Brendon realizing it wasn't fair for him to be dating someone when he was so obviously wasn't over Ryan. Sarah having experimenting seeing as she didn't fully know if she enjoyed men and having dating Brendon, realized she was a lesbian, it would of been comical if it wasn't after the mess with Ryan. 

"Oh I hope it's a princess one." The voice of Dallon caused Brendon to jump in surprise, the male whipping his head around to fall on Dallon who stood awkwardly in his living room, toeing off his shoes and setting his copy of Brendon's house key aside. Brendon even more surprised when Spencer came from behind Dallon, carrying a small bag. "What...?" Brendon murmured confused, Dallon smiled sweetly, moving over and ruffling Brendon's hair affectionately, "Sarah told us you needed cuddles, so of course we came over." Dallon stated, smiling as Brendon puffed his cheeks out, though Brendon could feel a bit of happiness bubble into him. "Thanks guys." He murmured, leaning against Spencer who sat next to him, Spencer smiled slightly rolling his eyes, "We're always here for you Brendon, we don't want you to go through this alone." Sarah chirped popping Aladdin into the DVR then dropped down into the rocking chair next to the couch. Dallon sat on the other side of Brendon, feet moving up to rest on the coffee table. Brendon smiled softly, before moving forward and digging through the bags Spencer and Sarah brought, feeling okay for once.

\---

June, a normally hot month in Las Angeles had turned into a rough month for him. The month being not only the one year mark of Ryan leaving, but he ran into so many bumps with the next album. Nothing seemingly coming along right and he often argued with them.

Yet, as it rolled further into June, he relaxed. The band or Sarah often dragging him around, Brendon just being forced out of his home, looking ahead, he needed it but at the time, he hated it. Wanting nothing more then stay inside and bang his hands on a piano, instead he was being dragged to the mall, to local concerts or new restaurants. The sun blared brightly in early July, "Sarah, look at this!" Brendon called, bouncing on his heels, the gray shirt he wore clinging to his body and skinny jeans seemingly almost too tight. "What- Oh my god, its huge." Sarah cried, having appeared at Brendon's side, the two gazing into a pet shop, Brendon's eyes bright as he gazed at the many dogs, "Fuck I want a dog..." Brendon whined, causing Sarah to giggle but nod in agreement, "They're so adorable." She gushed, pressing her face against the glass, Brendon smiling crookedly. "Guys!" The two looked over where Spencer and Dallon were approaching them, bright colored iced drinks in their hands. "Thank god, I've been sweating my balls off." Brendon muttered, accepting the blue drink, happily taking a sip. He gazed around the street, eyes falling on a table at the shop next to them, Brendon bee lining for it while the others were talking. Brendon grunting as he hit the chair a bit roughly, but nonetheless situated himself at the table. He set the drink down only to pull his phone out as it begun vibrating like crazy. He quirked an eyebrow, only for him to frown. "Wow okay..." He murmured, finding a bit of anger crawl into him. It's barely been over a year and here he was, he scowled, unlocking his phone and clicking on the link he had been sent. His anger quickly dying away as his ears were greeted, or assaulted, by a voice he hasn't heard in forever. Eyes watering as he listened to The Young Veins, Ryan's new band, newly released music. Brendon didn't know how to feel, any anger he did have dissapating as he, with shaky hands, opened Ryan's contact number, almost misspelling multiple times, knew that Ryan would probably ignore it like every message he's previously sent. 

B: Great Job with the new music; nice to see you're still working at it

Brendon sighed, setting the phone down and laid his head on the table, the music still playing and he ignored the worried questions from his group, only hearing Spencer's quiet sigh, and the sinking suspicion statement that sounded similar too, "Couldn't wait longer to release it? Fucking Asshole." Brendon flicked his eyes to Spencer who scowled, pulling his phone out and Brendon blocked out anything Spencer having said when the name Jon left the drummers mouth. "Hey Bren..." The soft murmur of Dallon was what Brendon focused on, eyes falling close as Dallon rubbed Brendon's back soothingly, ignoring the whispering of Dallon and Sarah, Brendon just done with today.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hope ya'll enjoy this quick update, I have this story all planned out so hopefully updates will come out quicker


	6. Pain Of Loneliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer is sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: cussing, drug use mention, and sad Spencer
> 
> Word Count: 3194

\---

To call what happened ridiculous would be an understatement but also rude.

But not too many other words came to mind when he thought about the past years. Things were doing so well, then it just blew up, so quickly. Spencer couldn't understand, still couldn't understand fully what had transpired, years of trying to figure it out, sleepless nights listening to Brendon explain his side, he just couldn't puzzle it together. The house was silent, save for the sound of nature outside, it was the only thing that made it evident to Spencer that it's real life, that he's not dreaming fully. He shifted, back cramping from how long he's been sitting on the rocking chair, a laptop sat on his lap, screen illuminating his profile. The blue light being the only light in the dark living room, "How's he doing?" The grumble of Jon's voice caused Spencer to blink lazily, eyes settling on the bright screen, Jon's face starring back at him. "He's sleeping at least." Spencer murmured, keeping quiet. It's one of those nights where Spencer assigned himself to sleep at his house, Spencer finding himself at Brendon's house more than his own, Wanting to make sure that Brendon didn't attempt anything damaging.

"Good," Jon paused, turning his head away from the camera, Spencer watched silent as Jon pulled away from the screen for a few moments before Jon returned back in frame sighing heavily, "Ryan's sleeping as well." Spencer breathed out in slight relief, squeezing his eyes close. He hated that they were split like this, hated that the only way he could speak to his boyfriend was through a screen and his childhood friend seemed to be forever angry at him. "I'm scared Jon... Brendon has been unstable this week and I don't know how to help Ryan." Spencer murmured, usually he could keep himself together, but not only hearing Jon's tired voice, but seeing his face, hearing how Ryan has been, it just hurt. He refused to shake, refused to show anything as his eyes fluttered open, Jon's face a bit blurry from what Spencer wish weren't tears threatening to fall. "Spence, it's going to be okay. You're doing your best for Brendon and I'm doing my best with Ryan, he'll come back around too you and soon the two will get a hold of themselves and everything will be okay."

"How can you say that? How could you be so sure?" Spencer grumbled out, scowl appearing on his face and he pressed the palm of his hands to his eyes, shoulders beginning to shake slightly and Spencer knew it was over, whatever floodgate he had keeping his tears at bay was gone. "Jon... I can't deal waiting for much longer, I'm so scared for everyone, I just want to see them okay and I miss you so fucking much." He whimpered, Jon frowned, wishing he could do more then just look at his boyfriend while he broke down. Jon knew Spencer as someone who people can rely on as a brick wall, someone that was so strong, and seeing him like this, it hurt. "Babe, I know it's going to be okay, I know how our boys act and I know we all will get through this." Jon stated, hating that they were in different states. "I-I Really hope so Jon..." He murmured, sniffling for a moment before visibly forcing himself to shake off his emotions, wiping his tears away and he whipped his head towards the hall were he could hear noises coming from, "I got to go, I think Brendon is back up again." Spencer murmured, already moving up, "Spence... you still here?" Came the call from the hallway, "I'll be there in a minute Bren-" He called back, sending Jon a broken smile. "I love you..." Jon stated softly, blowing a kiss to the webcam, always wishing he could so much more, "Love you too." Spencer hummed back, blowing a kiss back despite his swimming doubts of everything, he hesitated, not knowing when the next time he'll get to talk to Jon. Yet, at the sound of feet coming to the living room, Spencer ended the Skype call, he closed his laptop looking up.

"Bren, you could of stayed in bed, I was coming." Spencer spoke softly, moving to where Brendon stood in the hallway, eyes wide and a blanket wrapped tightly around him. "I was lonely..." Was Brendon's excuse, Spencer simply smiled softly in response, 'me and you both' he thought, moving and pulling Brendon into a warm hug. "Let's go back to bed idiot." Spencer murmured, earning a nod from the slightly shaky Brendon, as they begun to walk back towards Brendon's room, he gazed up at Spencer, despite his own haze of panic, he could see Spencer eyes were red. "Who were you talking too?" Brendon asked quietly, stepping into his room, barely missing the wince Spencer had, "No one Bren," Spencer replied quietly, tone just a bit too sad for Brendon's taste, "Spencer..?" But he got no response, instead he got Spencer pulling him onto the mattress, being tucked in and Spencer sighing as he laid on the mattress, allowing Brendon to roll against him. Spencer hummed gently, hands playing with Brendon's hair, his breath fanning against Spencer's neck as he nuzzled close to his drummer. Brendon found himself drifting off with Spencer playing with his hair and just by having another human being near him.

\---

Blue eyes gazed back at him, frown mirrored right back at him. Spencer sighed, moving his head, watching himself in the mirror, he looked disgusting. Skin pale and body sluggish, eyes seemingly sunken in, a horrible taste still residing in his mouth from last night. Parties were always dangerous for Spencer, before everything went downhill, he didn't need to worry about falling into any habits or trying anything dangerous. Yet, now that his only company being Brendon, who he himself wasn't a good presence at the moment, seeing as the singer himself was struggling so much as well. 

Parties, filled with celebrities and musicians with money, one just knew that alcohol and drugs were going to be involved. Spencer's resolve use to be so strong, an added bonus on having Jon kept him away from anything more then weed. Now, now all he had were shadows and the darkness called to him as well. He had lost Brendon at the party, Dallon and Sarah promising to take care of him, leaving Spencer on his own. He wished he could be trusted, he wish he could trust himself as much as everyone else seemed to trust him. "Fuck," He grumbled, rubbing his temples, a dull pain filled his body, all he could remember from last night is being pushed into a room where the smell of illegal substances filled the room, and the air was dense from everything that has been going on in the room. From that moment on, all he could was remember the burn and the immediate high, of course he woke up full of regret and hating himself. He groaned loudly, turning on the faucet and he stuck his head under the faucet, flinching as the cold water attacked his face, almost hitting his head against the tap.

"Fuck this." He murmured, pulling his face away, and running his hands multiple times across his face, he looked over at his bathtub. "Lets go, maybe I'll drown." He stated, smiling without any humor, he stumbled his way to the tub, sliding down into it. Maybe he'll sober up, alcohol and drugs, Spencer thought unamused, do not mix well, he knew that, yet he still allowed for people to persuade him into doing them. Who was kidding, he thought as he turned the water on, pulling up the switch for the shower. His body flinched violently as the freezing cold water drenched his body, his clothes becoming drenched and his body feeling even heavier, he didn't need anyone to persuade him into doing what he did, all he needed was someone to place them in his hand and he was off.

Spencer didn't know how long he sat there, long enough for his body to become numb, once he felt as if his body couldn't take anymore he turned the water off. Body shivering as goosebumps immediately blossomed on his skin, "C-cold..." He stuttered out, standing up on shaky legs, hands numb and stiff, Spencer taking way too long to remove his shirt and drenched jeans. They fell to the tub with a disgusting plop, Spencer rubbed his nose, coughing softly as he grabbed a handful of his towels. He wrapped one around his waist, another wrapping around his hair, he tossed the others onto his bed, he crawled onto his bed, rolling into the towels and wrapping his blankets around himself as well.

He knew he should dry himself up properly, should go and check on Brendon, he eyed his phone, wondering if he had the energy to grab it, as he weighed the options he sighed, grabbing his phone. His head finally registered how much his body actually hurt, mind occasionally pounding, vision spinning from time to time. He unlocked his phone, eyes falling onto his text messages, a handful from Dallon and Sarah, letting him know that Brendon is fine and at home safe, a picture even attached of Sarah and Brendon sleeping, the picture having come from Dallon. At least Brendon was okay, he would hate for Brendon to have fallen into a similar route, or even know how damaging Spencer actually was to himself. He jumped as his phone begun to ring, eyes falling on the picture of Jon smiling brightly, his name sliding over Jon's contact and he hesitated, seemingly hesitating for too long as his phone stopped ringing. He redialed almost immediately. "Spence!" The happy call of his name from Jon called Spencer to squeeze his eyes shut, groaning as his brain pulsed from the simple call of his name. "I'm sorry," Was all that Spencer said before he hung up, tossing his phone aside and rolled away from it. He knew it was a stupid decision but he couldn't help it, so many things kept bubbling inside of him and he wanted to either throw up or cry.

\---

Another party, another night filled with so many bad things falling into his system, and he knew he should stop, fucking knows that Brendon needs him, but he can't help it and every time he always ended up apologizing to Jon. 

He gazed ahead of him, leg unconsciously bouncing as Zack spoke. "I know, I know." Spencer cut him off, not liking the disappointing look he's been receiving from everyone in the room, it was one thing for some random person to be disappointed at him, but to have the whole band including Zack look at him as if he's some mystery he hated it. "Spencer.. Why didn't you talk to any of us?" Brendon spoke from his spot next to Dallon on the couch, Spencer tsked, looking away from the gazes from everyone. He didn't need their disappointment, he already had too much of that from himself, "I did not want to burden any of you." Spencer mumbled, voice almost too soft for anyone to have noticed. "Burden? Spencer why would you think that?" Dallon asked, head tilted confused, Zack sat quiet, arms crossed over his chest as he waited for the drummer to speak. "No one else but myself should deal with MY problems." Spencer growled, he didn't like being backed up into a corner like this, where everyone just kept pushing, none of them happy with any answer Spencer had given them. "We want to help Spence, that's what friends are for." Brendon spoke softly, and that was too much for Spencer, maybe he was overreacting, maybe he should feel relieved that they want to help, "You can't help with this, its y-" And with that Spencer cut himself off. He almost said too much, he stood abruptly, face painfully blank, "S-Spencer..."

They watch as Spencer made his way to the door, back tense as Spencer did all he could from shaking or screaming, "I'll fix it. I just need time." He spat out before sliding out of the door, the sound of it closing seemed loud for everyone.

\---

Spencer sighed softly, shifting from foot to foot, his phone held too his ear as he listened to it ring, maybe this is a mistake, he could fix this some other way.

"Hey Spencer." 

The greeting came from Brendon, voice hoarse and Spencer felt guilt shoot through him, he just woke him, and know he really was having second doubts. "I know this isn't the best time," Spencer begun, one hand fumbling with the envelope that contain a ticket, "But I wanted to let you know that I'm going to be gone for a week or two." Spencer stated softly, eyes sliding close as he waited for Brendon's response. The other was quiet for about a minute before he spoke, "Oh, o-of course, I mean go ahead... Can I ask where you're going?" 

Maybe he should stay home, but he knew what could help with the drugs, at least help lessen his want for them to wash away the pain. "I'm going to be in New York for a bit... I figured maybe getting away for a bit can help with everything." Spencer rambled on, voice shaking slightly, he was going behind Brendon's back he knew but he needed to get away.

Needed to see him.

"Okay... Okay, Have fun yeah? When are you leaving?"

"In two days, I'll be around tomorrow okay? We can go out and eat as a band."

"Okay, I'll see you."

"Bye."

\---

A laugh bubbled its way from Spencer's mouth, shaking his head at Brendon's weird antics, "Bren that's disgusting." He stated, making a face as Brendon simply stuck his tongue out at Spencer, grinning as Spencer winced. "Anyways, I can't believe you're not taking me to New York." Sarah whined from Brendon's side, faking a pout at Spencer who simply rolled his eyes, Dallon giggling as Brendon stole a piece of chicken off of Sarah's plate, "Back off fat-ass!" Sarah cried at Brendon, going to steal a piece of meat off of Brendon's plate as payback. "You sure you won't miss this?" Ian asked, having pulled himself away from his plate, Spencer smiled slightly at the guitarist, rubbing his chin. 

"Well, if Brendon keeps being gross, then no, I'll only miss my bed." Spencer hummed out, earning looks from the table, but he simply grinned, taking a victory bite from his burger. It's always nice when they're all like this, Brendon not so close to breaking and Spencer calm, not afraid of wanting to run away from it all. Maybe he felt at ease because of him going to New York, or maybe it's the fact he's trying to change himself for good. "Spence, get us lots of souvenirs!" Brendon chirp through a mouthful of food, causing Spencer to scowl slightly. "You've been to New York though." Spencer pointed out, taking a sip of his soda, "Well yeah, but it doesn't mean I don't like them." Brendon pouts out, "Fine fine, only to shut you up." Brendon cheered slightly and Spencer found himself smiling as the table fell back into normal conversation, Brendon and Sarah doing the majority of it.

\---

Spencer never really liked flying, he didn't do it much, seeing as Panic! Toured using a bus, but even when he did fly, he was pack full of nerves and he wanted to throw up- So nothing new if Spencer is honest. The engine's are so loud and usually he's gotten stuck on planes with children, which are nightmares when they're thousand of feet in the air. People crowded together and fuck did Spencer meet the worst people at airports. He shifted in his seat, dressed in a pair of jeans and one of Jon's hoodies, a pair of sunglasses covered his blue eyes and of course a pair of drumsticks were stuffed somewhere on his carry on. He rolled his neck, eyes fluttering close several times before he tried to force himself to sleep. He took some Ambien, probably not the best thing since he's flying alone, but he'd rather sleep through this almost 5 hour flight then deal with any stress. A frown pulled onto his face as the person sitting next to him almost elbowed him, he really hated plane rides.

Almost four hours later, he found himself pulled from his sleep as the plane went through turbulence, he blinked several times, grunting as their was a kink in his neck and he stretched the best he could in the small space he had to be in. Spencer made his way out of his seat, excusing himself as he sidestepped the person next to him, Spencer taking his time to go down the aisle. He used the bathroom quickly, grateful he didn't have to wait before he made his way back to his seat, almost tripping over someone's bag and he had to bite his tongue to stop himself from cussing out loud. "I hate planes..." He growled softly. 

\---

Now landing is definitely the best thing about plane rides, finally being back on the ground and Spencer can actually breath and stretch his legs, he ignored the stares he gotten when he exited the gate and groaned loudly, stretching his arms above his head and bouncing on the balls of his feet. He pulled his phone out, eyes falling on the time, fingers typing that he's landed, sending it to a special someone. 

He found himself moving quickly through the airport, making his way to luggage pickup, he stood, tapping his foot impatiently waiting for the luggage to begin being unloaded. As the luggage finally begin being dispensed, his eyes lit up as they fell on the red suitcase that belonged to him, he picked up the suitcase. Eyes falling onto the stickers that covered his suitcase, the most obvious and abundant being stickers that belonged to Panic! He begin walking towards the exit, feeling nerves now bouncing around, but not for bad reasons. He breathed out shakily, stepping out into the New York air, eyes looking all around, he breathed out shakily, closing his eyes for a moment. "S-Spencer?" He turned his head as he heard his name being called, a large smile broke out onto Spencer's face, tears falling down his face as he took off, sobbing as he ran into the arms of none other then Jon Walker. "My beautiful boy, fuck Spencer." Hearing Jon's voice, and being able to see him person, made Spencer feel overwhelmed, he sobbed, laughing as Jon cupped his face, smile bright despite the tears. His eyes took in Jon's rugged face, heart warm at the sight of the charmingly smile and watery eyes, "Jon, I missed you." Spencer let out, heart seemingly exploding as Jon leaned down, their lips connected and Spencer finally felt okay, felt happy for what seems like the first time, Body greedily soaking in Jon's warmth, Hands roaming Jon's sides and face, trying to memorize a face he has worried about forgetting. 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This might be the best chapter ngl, I'm really proud of it and I've been writing a lot of things in Spencer's POV lately and I may need to make a book of Joncer bc they're perfect.


	7. Before The World Catches Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan drops by Jon's.  
> Confrontation and some tears.  
> Happy Joncer and some good moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Cussing, drug use mention, and some sad Spencer
> 
> Word Count: 3258

\----

Normally, honestly normally he could sort through his feelings, with that he can act accordingly. Yet, he stood outside, rain pounding down on him, lashes sticking together and curls plastered against his head. Jacket heavy and wet, bones slowly becoming cold from the rain. It's been so long, whiskey colored eyes falling close, paying attention to the rain, its been two years. He scowled softly, two whole years since he's been an idiot, since he left and all he could do is continue to be a coward. Ryan always been a coward, all his close friends knew and fuck Ryan wish he could get his shit together and yet, here he is. It took him destroying the things he loved for him to realize that he is indeed a coward. He breathed out slowly, shivering before turning and forcing himself to keep walking, maybe he should of drove, yet he found himself walking nines times out of ten. It's easier when he walked, usually he could keep himself distracted from his thoughts, eyes train on his shoes or he would quietly hum to himself.

Unlike other people, Ryan's way of dealing with hiccups in his life, he distracted himself, which is normal... Except he found distraction in other peoples bodies, this break up had thrown Ryan into a horrible mess of sleeping in someones bed at least twice a week. Ryan shook his head, frowning in annoyance as he pushed curls out of his eyes, and out of habit, cleared his throat to chase away his thoughts.

He sighed as he tucked himself further into his coat, the small town he found himself in seemed dead, most people rather being inside away from the rain and the cold. He felt relief fill his body as his gaze settled on Jon's house. The only warning he had given Jon had been a simple, 'omw', he knew Jon told him he would be busy this week... But, it's hard for Ryan to care when he needs some form of positive comfort. Jon's house had always been homey, has been since Ryan met the guy, but now, seeing as his own home held to many memories. Despite it being a new home, it seemed to close to his old one, too many decorations that reminded him of other times. Finally, Ryan thought, stepping up onto Jon's porch, being able to be shielded from the rain, he dragged his shoes across the mat, a soft sniffle escaping him. He hesitated only for a moment before pressing the doorbell.

As the bell rung, he looked over his shoulder, taking in the neighborhood before eyes settling back on the door as he heard loud noises echoing from Jon's house. He crossed his arms over his chest, body feeling heavy from the rain, a portion of him felt bad; felt bad for having been at Jon's house two days ago only to find himself back here. Maybe, maybe he should go back home and play his guitar, brew some tea and relax, maybe curl up with a good book, so much could be done inside on a day like this.

His internal debate stopped as the front door clicked, signifying the unlocking of it. He stepped back as the door swung open, exposing a slightly disheveled Jon, a cup of coffee occupying one hand, hip cocked and an eyebrow raised. "Fuck, Ryan did you walk in the rain?" Jon asked, but despite that, he didn't immediately allow Ryan in like he normally did. "Uh, yeah hey," Ryan paused, he hated having to directly ask for comfort, Jon having figured out when he needed it. Jon after a moment, shook his head, sighing and setting his cup down on a table in the hall, "Ryan... I told you I was busy." Jon murmured, only receiving a jerky nod. Jon frowned before everything clicked and he quickly tugged Ryan into his house, "You're soaked," He hissed, before he begin pushing Ryan into his house. Ryan carefully kicked his shoes off, shivering as he begun walking past the living room, noting an unfamiliar bag sitting on the couch. "I didn't know it was going to rain so hard." He murmured, making his way to Jon's room, only for Jon to appear blocking his way and smiling nervously, "Uh, use the guest room," Ryan raised an eyebrow, confused and a little off put, but he didn't feel like questioning it, he simply dropped his shoulders with a slight huff, "Fine." Ryan simply let out, turning and entering the guest room. He already felt a bit better, Jon's home was warm, despite his clothes being wet, he already felt warmer. Pictures seemed to cover his walls, pictures from back in the day, and Jon's home just seemed as if someone actually lived here. 

He let out a soft sigh, peeling off his jacket as he made his way to the bathroom, dropping his wet clothes into a pile. Goosebumps blossoming across his pale skin, shivering as he ran his fingers though damp hair, turning and starting the shower.

\---

"Who was that?" The immediate question caused Jon to go on edge as soon as he entered his bedroom. His eyes fell onto Spencer, who shifted into a sitting position from where he sat tucked in a corner, setting aside his book. His suitcase laid underneath Jon's desk, his blues eyes watching Jon intently as he closed the door quietly. "Ryan," He simply replied, those blue eyes were immediately overwhelmed by emotion. Spencer sighed, falling back onto the bed , turning and burying his face into the soft pillows. Jon hesitated for a moment before sliding onto the bed, gently rubbing soothing circles into Spencer's tense back. "Spence, he needs to see you. I can only try so much, you're his best friend, you know him the best," Jon murmured, eyes set on Spencer.

Spencer sighed once more, turning his head to gaze up at Jon who smiled encouragingly at him, causing Spencer for a moment to smile pitifully before speaking, "He hates me now though."

Jon tsked, shaking his head fervently, "But he doesn't. He isn't thinking, he's an idiot you know that." Spencer looked away, nodding slightly as he forced his shoulders to relax. "Okay. I'll try." Spencer whispered, earning a bright smile from Jon, who leaned down to press a loving kiss to Spencer's soft lips, who melted into it. Finally relaxing and smiling softly into the kiss.

\---

Ryan allowed himself to breath fully, sliding out of the guest room, dry and feeling great. Only for him to not like the way Jon had appeared in front of him, smiling carefully. "Ryan! I need you to follow me...But I need you to keep calm and willing to listen." A heavy pit settled into his stomach, confusion and slight anxiety swim into his veins. Despite this, he pushed it away, nothing bad can happen right? Jon never did anything to him, has always been by his side, so Ryan didn't understand why he suddenly became so worried. Ryan nodded, falling into step behind Jon, eyes trained on the grey long sleeves he wore. The duo approached the living room, the pit doubled in size as his eyes fell onto someone he definitely didn't expect to see of all people. Body shaking, he robotically sat in the seat Jon had gently pushed him towards, all the while his eyes never left the person. His body almost shut off as Spencer moved his gaze towards him, relief and sorrow obvious on his face, Spencer so glad to see Ryan alive. 

"Why are you here?" Ryan spit out harshly, ignoring the look he received from Jon, earning a sigh from Spencer who swallowed harshly. "I needed to see my boyfriend and," Spencer paused, keeping his eyes trained on Ryan who was doing his best to keep his face blank, moments away from crying and crawling into Spencer's arms. "I needed to make sure my best friend is okay," Ryan scowled, despite his slight sniffle, heart aching despite the anger in him, he turned his gaze away eyes squeezed shut. "You betrayed me. How could you call me your best friend?"

"Ross are you fucking kidding me?" Spencer cried, causing Ryan to flinch in surprise, eyes wide as Spencer seemed to be on the verge of exploding. "You cheated on Brendon, walked out of everyone's lives. You seriously expect me to sit quiet when you cheated?" Ryan kept silent feeling as if he had been slapped. His body trembled, teeth abusing his bottom lip as a tear slipped down his cheek. "I didn't cheat." He mumbled, not surprised with the looks and the disbelief on both of their faces. 

"Ryan- Seriously? We saw those photos, you ignored our phone calls and had disappeared with a woman!" Jon stated, frustrated and confused, Ryan shook his head, shoulders drawn taut in defense. "You don't understand."

\---

"You fucking idiot! Why didn't- no why aren't you telling Brendon this?" Spencer asked, distraught that both his friends were suffering and hurting each other, both seemingly too stupid to fix it. Ryan shrugged, tugging his hair, "I screwed it up so badly Spencer.... Brendon doesn't care anymore, it's been too long." Ryan let out catching the dumbfounded looks from both parties. "Ryan- Brendon can't hear your name without crying he misses you, you're being a bitch. The longer you wait, the more angry and done Brendon is going to become." Spencer grumbled as Ryan sighed, softly beginning to mumble to himself, nervous and back hunch.

Spencer stood carefully, tugging the frigid Ryan into a hug, "please talk to him, he needs you and I miss my best friend." Spencer whispered, earning a hiccup from Ryan as his heart raced dramatically, tears wetting his face as he pressed close against Spencer. "I need more time. I need to be able to comprehend everything." Ryan whispered back, earning an understanding nod from Spencer.

"I have pizza!" The sudden call from Jon who reentered the living room, smiling brightly and carting two boxes of pizza. Spencer chuckled as Ryan smiled, more relax as he pulled away from Spencer. His eyes fell on the boxes and with a smirk greedily snatched a box from Jon, "Thanks!" he cried, carefully diving away from Jon who swiped at him, Ryan smirking as he dropped down onto a seat, Spencer was laughing quietly, shaking his head fondly at the two. 

\---

The show, unsurprisingly was amazing, Ryan still had an awkward air about him, but besides that its nice to hear Ryan and Jon play even if its in a different band. "You guys were amazing!" Spencer cried, smiling softly as Jon tossed an arm around him nuzzling into Spencer's side. Ryan rolled his eyes at the two, pushing curls away from his face, "When aren't we?" Ryan asked cockily, cackling at the bird he received from Spencer who patted Jon's sweaty back, feeling at ease at the moment. 

"Let's go," Ryan hummed out, shoes clicking off the floor of the venue, leading the way out of the small venue they just played at. He allowed his eyes to slip close, enjoying the cold air grazing his skin, an involuntary shudder running through his body as he found himself turning his head, looking at the few fans who had just called out his name. Ryan let a small smile slide onto his face, hand moving up in a small wave to the fans who made their way towards the singer. Spencer observed, from his spot at Jon's side, the others body warm against him as Ryan talked to the fans, hugging and smiling in his own special awkward way. Spencer looked up as he felt eyes on him only to see Jon smiling down at him lovingly.

"I'm glad you came down," Jon stated softly, Spencer nodded slowly, "When... When are we going to talk about the real reason why you came down?" The sudden question surprised Spencer and made him nervous, ready to bolt only for Jon to tighten his arm around Spencer, stopping the male from moving away. "Sh, its okay." Jon murmured, brushing his nose against Spencer's cheek who nodded, eyes sliding close, "Soon, It's hard." Spencer breathed, plastering a smile on his face as Ryan slide up in front of them, eyeing the couple, "Home?" He asked slowly, earning a nod from the two. 

Ryan after that begun leading them, waving goodbye to the group of fans who were walking past him, feeling high from the show. Behind him Jon nudged Spencer, smiling at Spencer who had been tense since the early question, "I always got you." Jon reminded, feeling better as Spencer smiled, relieved, he knew that, of course he knew. But he needed reassurance sometimes, like any normal person and it felt great having Jon remind him, "I love you." Spencer replied, earning a giddy smile from Jon who threw his arms around Spencer, pressing kisses all over his neck and cheek, earning laughter from Spencer who tried pushing him away. "STOP! you big doofus!" Spencer cried, Jon only smiled, ignoring Spencer as he kept him close, earning a polite cough from Ryan who had been leaning against his car. Smiling happily, feeling at least happy that his two friends could still be happy. 

Spencer and Jon didn't even look ashamed, just smiling stupidly as Spencer finally knocked Jon off, making his way to the car, slipping into the car not before being groped by Jon who smiled toothy at Spencer who had squawked out an indigent noise. Ryan shook his head in disbelief, getting in the drivers side while the couple sat in the back, "Losers!" He chirped at them, "Oh shut the fuck up Ross." 

\---

Spencer is smart, one of the most logical and smartest people Ryan has known. He's always knew this, always looked up to Spencer and never seriously hated anything Spencer has ever done. Of course, maybe Ryan shouldn't be judging, he himself has done some not so healthy things since the break up. 

"Spence..."

Ryan murmured, gazing at Spencer who sat tense in his seat, face buried in the blanket that he had been wrapped in, his eyes stubbornly burning a hole into the coffee table. Spencer didn't enjoy this confrontation, it wasn't really a confrontation, he knew that, he told them about this. Yet it still felt horrible. For a moment, he wanted to blurt out they didn't understand, but they did, at least to an extent. "I know its bad. But fuck, for some reason I can't stop. But when I start dwelling on everything and missing shit, I- They help for a moment." The room sat silent, Jon looked seemed to be wavering on what to feel, obviously wanting to help his boyfriend but he felt horrible that he couldn't help his boyfriend until now. "Babe... We want to help, fuck trust me, but you have let us help you." Spencer eyes slipped close, sliding back into a slouch on the couch, breathing softly.

"I know... I'm so scared. Brendon and the guys want to help as well, I'm just worried. Scared I'll relapse and disappoint everyone." Spencer normally didn't show this side of him, wanting to be the brick wall yet here he is, forcing himself open once more and he hated this. His face pulled into a scowl, eyebrows drawn tight and mouth screwed, "I'm trying my best." Spencer whispered, forcing his eyes open to see Ryan and Jon gazing at him, Ryan looking a bit helpless. Jon moved to place a comforting hand on his boyfriend's shoulder, smiling sweetly despite his worry, "That's all you can do." Spencer smiled slightly at that, "I know I haven't been the best friend, but I'm here for you Spence, soon it'll be okay." Ryan stated from his place, Spencer nodded, leaning against Jon, feeling a bit more relieved.

\---

The thunderstorm outside, usually set a good portion of people nervous, except for Ryan, it calmed him down immensely.

He sighed, finding annoyance in himself as his breath fogged up his window, the rain cooling him. A soft reminiscent smile sat on his face, this scenario reminding him of when he had been younger, if he closed his eyes he could almost see his past memories. He laughed sadly, rubbing his eyes before he unlocked his window, pushing it open, flinching as rain had splattered against his face. He leaned halfway out the window, feeling wonderful with the rain against his pale skin, eyes flicking over to his phone that went off. He hesitated, before pulling himself back in, grabbing his phone from his bed side and moving back towards the window. Of course it was some notification for social media. "Fuck it." He breathed out, unlocking his phone and opening up Instagram. This isn't the first time he had this debate, he thought bitterly, knowing it had been immature of him to block him right after the break up, but he couldn't help it. He had been so overwhelmed by emotions that he couldn't process what he had been doing before it was finished. 

Fingers shaking as he hovered over the unblock button, and with a nervous laugh, I mean what could go wrong? With that source of false courage he unblocked Brendon Urie. (The name still brought a horrible zap through his system, hurting him). That's of course as far as he could go, the male scrolling through his own account, cringing at the amount of pictures of him with different types of guys, "I'm horrible." He realized, gritting his teeth, before tossing his phone aside, huffing and sticking his head back out his window. Eyes closed as he allowed the rain to wash away the pain, though he knows it doesn't work like that.

\---

Spencer Smith should sometimes think, he realized, looking at the handful of pictures people have taken of him with Jon and Ryan, at the moment he didn't realize that'll come back to haunt him. Now, he smiled stupidly at the pictures, feeling warm despite the fact he had landed back in Vegas, knowing he's returning back to Panic! who knows the next time he'll see his boyfriend and best friend, but if Ryan does what he says he's going to do, hopefully it won't be much longer before he has to wait for everhthing to be normal.

He stopped at his home, tossing his suitcases inside, showering before sending a text to Brendon that he'll be on his way to the others house. A little off that Brendon didn't respond, but maybe he's still asleep. 

As he arrived at Brendon's, he unlocked the front door with his copy of the key, entering the home quietly. He kicked his shoes off at the door, stretching and letting his eyes slide across the familiar home. "Bren?" He called out, confused as to why it had been so quiet. He stepped into the living room, to see Brendon sitting on the rocking chair, a blanket strewn on him and eyes red, he seemed as if he had been crying. "Brendon?" He asked gently, worried why the other seemed upset.

Brendon turned, brown eyes falling on Spencer, a spike of pain running through Brendon as he shook his head, pulling out his phone. "Why didn't you tell me you were going to see them?" He asked softly, holding his phone up, showing Spencer the pictures of him with Jon and Ryan. Spencer tensed, feeling threatened and defense all at once.

"Spencer, why weren't you honest?"

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY for the long wait!! I've been really busy and really bad at writing atm.


	8. Decades Might Of Washed It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontational Brendon, Spencer is angry.  
> Brendon finally decides to get over Ryan.  
> Ryan pays a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Cussing, and slight violence  
> Word Count: 3000k

\---  
Theirs this blinding heat coursing through him, maybe its anger, or it could be the hot feeling of betrayal. A part of him is rational, he doesn't need to be told everything, doesn't need to be told what Spencer is doing twenty four seven because it's none of his business. Though, the whole hot pulsing part of him is irrational, he just feels betrayed and better yet confused. He can see the confusion building up in his drummers blue eyes, can see his defenses automatically being pulled up by the squaring of his shoulders.

He should take it back, laugh it off, God knows he can't lose another friend in a time like this.

But Brendon Urie has always been one to charge head first and think about consequences later. He tightens his fingers around his phone, uncurling from his position on his chair, blanket dropping onto the floor and he stands tall despite the fact a small voice is telling him he's an idiot. "You went and saw them Spencer..." He starts and Spencer's eyes narrows, he crosses his arms over his chest, Spencer is tired.

You can see from the weariness in his stance, he came straight to Brendon, he doesn't want to do this, doesn't want too fight Brendon. Brendon doesn't like this silence, doesn't like how Spencer isn't saying anything just staring, "Spencer fuck say something, why did you go behind my back?" He asks, frustrated and seconds away from just hiding in his room. Spencer finally moves, scoffing and looking at Brendon in disbelief, "you're kidding me right?" He asks, a slight growl from Spencer causing Brendon to reel back in slight surprise, "I'm sneaking behind your back?" he asks, throwing his hands up with a laugh, "I can't believe you!"

Spencer takes a step back shaking his head as Brendon makes a small noise from the back of his throat, "Spencer, I-You betrayed me, I just want to know when you go and see them." Brendon keeps the part of him that wants to add that he wanted too see them, but he doesn't all in one and by the way Spencer starts laughing, hands pressed to his face, Brendon knows he said the wrong thing and he probably did.

"Betrayed you!" Spencer cries, so tired of everyone accusing him of betraying them, it cuts deep and fuck Spencer is regretting not staying with Jon anymore, where he was happy and not worried about being yelled at. He finds himself stepping closer, eyes narrowed and he's finding words harshly falling from his mouth and he has a strong crevice on his face, "I have to sneak around, for god sake I can't talk to my boyfriend in the open air, I can't see my childhood friend because you and Ryan aren't talking about your problems!"

His voice echoes slightly in the house, Brendon's eyes are wide, shock obvious in his whole pose. There's bits of tears forming in his eyes, "I- If I knew, I just wanted to know I'm sorry." Brendon let's out, Spencer lets out a noise and shakes his head, "You know what, I'm going to have to be alone for a moment. I'll see you tomorrow." 

He ignores the look and noise Brendon let's out, Spencer making his way towards the door and stepping out, not entirely slamming it behind him but definitely not gentle. Brendon presses a shaky hand to his face, breathing out slowly. He doesn't wait long to snatch his phone back up, fingers typing away a messy apology to his drummer, hoping he didn't fuck anything up. Too an intent on apologizing that he doesn't notice a message from someone who he'll get to fret at a later date.

\---

"Alright." Dallon is the first to speak, he's standing in the midst of the practice room, his bass is sitting in its stand. He's annoyed, the crease of his forehead and slight frown is apparent to the other members in the band, Brendon has half the mind to look ashamed, he's looking over Spencer whose sitting quiet, twirling his drumstick in between experienced fingers. Ian looks up away from sheet music, curious as well as too why the room is thick with tension. "What happened?" Dallon asks, voice gentle, Dad voice almost active. 

Brendon is quiet still, lifting one shoulder, while Spencer snorts. Dallon resists the urge to sigh, pressing his hand to his forehead and silently counting to three in his head. "I," Brendon starts, not liking the annoyance from his bassist nor this thick tension with Spencer. Brendon knows, especially now, how tightly coiled Spencer has been and after thinking for a minute, he regrets being angry. He wasn't really, maybe more upset by the fact that even after that, he's been left in the dark once more, and that Brendon was by himself alone. Eyes are turned to Brendon who coughs awkwardly before nodding to himself, "I said some choice words to Spencer." He turns and looks at Spencer who sits at his drums, fingers now still, "I regret them, I truly do, and now that I've thought about it." Brendon stands up, nervous. "I don't want to lose someone else that's important to me, I've been letting this break up way me down, stop me from putting my all into this band and the people that are around me. I'm going to change that." The room is silent, Ian doesn't fully understand the importance of that statement, he knows it's a big deal, but to Spencer; and to an extent Dallon. It's the biggest thing Brendon has said in a long time. Spencer gets up from his stool, waste no time in crossing to Brendon and pulls him into an almost bone crushing hug. "Why am I surrounded by idiots." Spencer mutters as Brendon laughs softly, Dallon smiles, relief in his system, he heard the story of the break up, part of him knows he didn't cause it even a little despite the mention of his name, but he's still so relieved to see Brendon taking these big steps into fully getting over it.

"You guys ready to get this rolling?" Brendon asks as he pulls away from Spencer, buzzing with something akin to excitement, his guitar finds its way back in his arms and Spencer is at his stool. "Always have," Ian chimes, causing Dallon to laugh in agreement, leaning down and grabbing his bass, situating it onto his body. "Let's do this," Dallon hums out in encouragement as Brendon nods. His fingers tap against the body of his guitar, mentally prepping himself to play these songs that mean so much yet seemingly so little at the same time.

\---

Brendon blinks lazily at his screen, its one of those rare incidents that he finds himself browsing Instagram. After the push to finally get over Ryan, the account he's been using to be undercover has been a lot more useless now. He snorts, finding himself smirk at the stupid meme sent to him from one of the people he's met over being a 'fan account' for his ex guitarist. He never had plan, nor will he ever bash the beauty that could be a fan account, the community is interesting at times but sometimes he wish he wasn't so in-tuned with his own community, seeing people make memes or send him his own pictures, unknowingly of course, is something he'll never get use too. 

TC: Hey B!

Brendon grins slightly, outside of his legitimate friend group, he has a few online friends who have fueled some mental breakdowns but also help stop him from some of them. He's lounged across his couch, legs propped up on Spencer whose playing his gaming system, occasionally cussing or mumbling in response to something on the screen. Sarah is on the rocking chair, a controller in her hand as well and she is a lot more vocal then Spencer as she's blatantly yelling at the drummer. Brendon's living room is alive, Dallon and Ian are laughing and chatting happily, Sarah's girlfriend is in the kitchen, rummaging through his fridge while the food they've ordered sits on the coffee table. 

BT: Kiki Hey! 

TC: Its been a minute! Where you been?

BT: Doing the grind y'know how it is

TC: Get that bread I mean-

TC: I've came across something you should see!!

Brendon is hesitate to continue this conversation, but doesn't click off, his online friend doesn't know who he truly is nor any of his plights with Ryan. But as he shifts on the couch, almost giggling as Sarah cries out a 'fuck' and Spencer's laugh is oh so victorious. Brendon decides, he's in a good place, surrounded by good people and nothing can ruin this. He looks over his screen, watching as Nicole comes into the living room, a can of soda in her hand and she grins as Sarah pouts openly, "Nic!" She whines, Nicole smirks, dropping down and squishing onto the chair with Sarah who is groaning and trying to wiggle out from under her. Brendon rolls his eyes at the two, nudging Spencer with his foot who looks over with a small smile, "Go easy on her," He scolds slightly causing Spencer to shake his head, "She asked for it!" Brendon is laughing as he looks down to his screen where the post his friend sent is waiting for him. 

He's almost scared by how much it doesn't hurt as much to see Ryan, curls framing his face and arms around some random person. He's a little hurt of course, it's always going to hurt to an extent he knows that. Yet he smiles in an reminiscent kind of way, he clicks away from the picture, looking up from his phone and is surprise to see Spencer is carefully watching his face. "You okay?" Spencer asks gently, and Brendon will never know how Spencer can sense apparently when he's thinking about Ryan, but Brendon is still smiling, "Couldn't be better." And he's pleased too know he's not lying through his teeth that he's honestly okay and he doesn't need Ryan in his life, he can go on. He watches as Spencer nods, satisifed as he turns back to the TV in time to see Dallon accepting the controller from Spencer, "Let me kick your ass Drummer Boy." 

Brendon finds his heart warm at all his friends in the room, that he's okay, truly okay and he can look to the future with a bright outlook now.

\---

Touring starts and its new.

It's not his first tour, the only one who this might be the first tour is Ian, but it's new in a sense its different. It's just Spencer and Brendon, two instead of four, but Dallon is a good support system in the tour. He's there with brotherly advice, being the voice of reason and Ian is a wonderful addition. Spencer is still the same stability, and Brendon finds whatever he's been repressing, maybe his anger, maybe even sexuality through his actions. 

Brendon is always sweaty, has been since he was a little boy, but he let's himself go. Eccentric and crazy on stage comparing too his first two tours. Tears are something new. 

Tears will always be something new when it comes to being on stage. He can't help it, he likes to think, can't help the slight shakes he gets and the way Jon and Ryan are names that are way too close to being pulled from his mouth. He feels bad from Dallon and Ian who don't deserve it, but the almost understanding look from Spencer is enough to make Brendon not feel as much of an asshole as he probably should be. The bus is new. 

Its nicer, things aren't as cramped and Brendon, late at night, when the high of the show is gone and all he feels is an ache in his bones... He's tracing patterns into his blanket, and if he squeezes his eyes shut and concentrates he can feel feather soft touches to his skin, soft caressing voice in his ears. Its not healthy, he thinks, to be having these thoughts so many years later. Instead of the normal almost instant depression he would feel, he's just quiet. He shifts in his bunk, careful to not hit the wall and wake anyone else. As he stretches, snuggling back into his blanket, he feels bad for Dallon. The giant must wake with knots in his whole body from these bunks. He closes his eyes and forces himself to fully relax. His mind is quiet except for past memories, but their different then the ones that have haunt him. He falls asleep smiling slightly, body warm from memories of a body pressed against him.

\---

The crowd is loud, Brendon had found himself grinning almost throughout the whole show, laughing and jumping about. He's wiping sweat away from his brow, mic held close to his mouth as he gazes out in the sea of people. The west is always an interesting place to play, Texas is loud, by default and the crowd is welcoming. "I just want to thank all of you guys for coming out here," Brendon is speaking, smiling as the audience cheers, he flicks his eyes to Dallon who looks over, smiling back at Brendon. Brendon is straightening his back as he hops up onto the box, appearing taller now as he gazes at the audience, he feels alive. His blood is hot and churning through his body, "Enough of that sappy shit, time to put the show on." He is hoping back off as the beginning chords to Let's kill Tonight rings through the venue and Brendon is gone, back into his puppy like self and giving the show he promised to give these people.

\---

The shows almost over, Brendon's vest and shirt is sticking to his body and its gross. His hair is a mess and his body is almost always strutting and sway. He know's what's next, and as his eyes interlock with Dallon, the tilt of his own head and the slight nod from the bassist let's him know that its time. With Brendon's quick steps and Dallon's long strides, the cello of Sins is almost lost in his ears as Dallon bends down. Their faces are so close, he can feel Dallon's breath fanning across his face, blue eyes staring intently into his own brown. The act he and Dallon has is so much more intense then what he did with Ryan, knows that a part of it is to be a big fuck you to him. He's intentionally throwing salt into whatever wound, throwing shade and making fun of him at every juncture, immature? Very. Brendon never said he was mature or was he one to be the adult of every situation. Spencer had thought it was funny, so at least Brendon knows he's not overstepping any boundaries. As he pulls away from Dallon, goosebumps blossoming as he turns and slides back into where he belongs in the middle of the stage, thousands of eyes on him and lights beating down on his pale skin. It's the only way to live.

By the time the show is officially over, Brendon only getting slightly shaken up over singing old songs, he's meeting fans. He probably isn't the most attractive to meet after shows. He's at least dressed in clean clothes and freshened up, and pictures are flying by. His face almost hurts from all the smiling and laughing he's doing with fan's he met. He enjoys this, he loves doing the shows, playing with his band and interacting with the crowd. Yet, this is definitely something he enjoys immensely. Fans, almost always, are sweet and respectful, he's almost lucky that most fans respect him and theirs no weird requests nor offensive questions. 

He's tired, downing a bottle of water, panting as soon as he finishes it, ignoring the snickers from Dallon. "Oh shut up," Is all he states, Dallon just grins smugly. Brendon will never understand how Dallon can put himself back into a suit after a show for meet and greets. Brendon himself is dressed in a hoodie and a pair of skinny jeans, converse, as always, are on his feet. He's leaning against the table, Spencer stifles a yawn, confused as too why the influx of fans had stopped. Brendon is curious, stepping away and making his way out of the designated hall. His eyes fall on the back of Zack whose talking to someone. Their voices are quiet and Brendon is worried, wondering why Zack is talking so animatedly to someone. After a moment Brendon approaches, deciding maybe he can help, "Zack! Everything alright?" Brendon calls out, almost missing the way Zack jumps in surprise almost, "Is someone lost?" He slides next to Zack and Brendon eyes settle on the one he had been whispering too and Brendon finds his body weak, feeling as if he's going to pass out.

His eyes settle on brown curls, whiskey eyes that are wide as he stares at Brendon. "What..." The word leaves Brendon's mouth. Zack shifts, uncomfortable as he looks between the two musicians. The call for security is so close to leaving his mouth but instead all that leaves him is a whimper, "Ryan." 

Ryan looks startled that Brendon even spoke, he's shifting, wetting his lips as Zack steps away from the two, "I'll let you two talk." And Zack disappears quickly, "Brendon, we need to talk." Ryan rushes out and Brendon's face morphs into one of slight anger, a scowl is played on his lips and he's shaking. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He hisses out and Ryan recoils, he looks lost and any other time, years ago, he would of felt bad but all he feels is thinly veiled anger. 

"I came to talk." Is Ryan's only response and shit is Brendon shaking obvious now, instead of responding, Brendon sees red and his hand is raised and makes contact with Ryan's face faster then his brain can fully think about his actions. Ryan makes a noise, taking a step back and staring wide eyed at Brendon, as if he's seeing him for the first time. 

"Fuck you Ross."

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the update is out! I've been doing a lot of small writing lately and figured I really need to update so here we are


	9. Tiny Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan and Brendon talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Cussing  
> Word Count: 2023

"Why?" The question is spoken into the deafening silence, he wished he felt satisfied at seeing Ryan shifting, the way his shoulders are drawn taut and his eyes are fluttering around. Instead he feels exhausted, pain he just recently had been able to bury and move past is threatening to surface and he can't even bring himself to be angry. "Brendon I just..." the voice, normally monotone is quiet, cracking at his name and Brendon sighs, finding himself weak and he settles on the same couch as Ryan. As far as he can go, hands tightly clasped on his knees. "I needed to see you, make sure you're okay and-"

"I'm okay?" Brendon laughs, shaking his head and Ryan watches him with surprise flickering through his eyes. He's pulling himself deeper into his jacket, as Brendon stares at him with disbelief. "Ross, I've been agonizing over you and once I get over it, you have the nerve to show up here and act like nothing happened?" Brendon attempts at sounding put together, but the mixture of anger and a sob isn't helping his case. Theres no satisfaction in seeing Ryan pull away, eyes heavy with guilt, and Brendon finds himself almost empty. 

Ryan is silent and that probably hurts the most, Brendon breathes out slowly and Ryan looks away, fiddling with the zipper to his jacket. "You don't know the truth." Ryan says, and it's all utter bullshit to Brendon, "truth?" He asks, voice low yet eyebrows raised up. Ryan nods in jerky motions, "You cheated on me then fucking disappeared like a coward Ross." 

Those words cut deep and Ryan flings himself up, eyes narrowed and hands curled into fists, "No fuck you Urie, that's not the truth and we both know it." Brendon stands as well, stepping away as soon as Ryan steps forward. "Don"t, I don't want to hear you or see your face." Brendon all but growls, his whole body is tense and theres a scowl on Ryan's face and something is settling uncomfortably in Brendon's throat.

"Please listen to me, for once listen!" Its silent for a moment, Brendon mind is racing and his breathing seems to have picked up and all their is going on in his head is silence. "You want me to listen now?" Brendon asks, quiet and Ryan nods, standing poised and ready to run. Brendon shakes his head laughing softly, it's sad and Ryan has to look away, has to stop himself from looking at the pitiful way Brendon looks. He never planned for it to get this far and it's so out of hand and Ryan is angry- not at Brendon but himself. 

"You waited years. Literally almost 3 years Ross to talk to me." Hes talking slowly, carefully enunciating everything as if hes speaking to a child. Ryan opens his mouth, he wants to defend himself, wants to say that this isn't true and that if Brendon would just listen, that Ryan regrets it but he can't. "Get out." Brendon jumps him to the gun, and Ryan is rooted, eyes wide and nervously let's out a soft noise, "Excuse me?" He asks and flinches as Brendon growls, "Out. I don't want to fucking listen to you."

"I don't want to go, I need you too listen." Ryan says, and Brendon is shaking his head, digging his phone from his pocket, "What are you doing?" Ryan asks meekly, and Brendon gives him a side eye, frowning, "If you wont leave, Zack will make you."

That. That hurts, and Ryan can see that Brendon knows. It stings and Ryan shoulders slump, finds himself sick that Brendon sees no problem with getting someone who worked with him against him. "I'll go." Ryan grunts out, finding his body heavy as he begins the short, yet seemingly long, trek towards the door. He can feels Brendons brown eyes on him.

Their burning his back, and he pauses as he grips the door knob. "I'll be back, I won't stop till you listen to me. We both know we had something special, and most of all, you deserve the truth Urie." Ryan leaves quickly after. His footsteps seem to be drowning in the hotel hall, keeps his head low. He's ever elusive ever since 09, has been keeping to himself and for a moment he's glad. Their is people crawling around the hotel and all he needs is someone to recognize him, but no one does. He leaves the hotel unnoticed, leaving Brendon in a dilemma, sitting on the couch, head in his hands. 

-x- 

He knows Ryan said he would be back, but a portion of him, almost all of him assumed Ryan isn't going to show, but it's the morning and Ryan is at his door, Brendon takes one look at Ryan and sighs heavily. 

"No" Brendon breathes out and shuts the door in Ryan's face. Its rude, entirely so, but Brendon thinks its deserving, years of Silence and Ryan can live with a few doors in his annoyingly attractive face.

Two doors later, the last show in town and Ryan is at his door. This time, something clicks softly in Brendon and he allows Ryan into his hotel room. Ryan smiles ever so slighlty and after a moment of hesitation sits on the couch. He looks okay, dressed in a sweater and jeans, theirs glasses on his face and his hair is actually brushed. "You're back." Brendon says, yawning a moment later. 

Theres a determined gleam in Ryan's eyes, the whiskey color is something Brendon has missed and he doesn't know how to fill with Ryan in the same room as him. Brendon is slightly sweaty, his shirt is sticking to his back and his hair is all over the place, the show was intense and Brendon is surprised he's even still standing. 

"You're show was great." Ryan offers awkwardly after a moment of silence, Brendon blinks before rubbing the back of his neck, "Thanks..." Brendon replies and shifts from foot to foot. "Are you... willing to talk now?" Ryan asks and Brendon sighs, moving and sits down next to Ryan, watching as the other Male shifts, settling comfortably against the arm of the couch. "I want to know... a portion of me has been aching to know why but..." he pauses, he's tugging at strings on his jeans, biting his lip for a moment in concentration. 

"But I've been so angry for so long Ross that I just want to hit you and never see your face again." He says with a laugh and Ryan chuckles slightly, "I deserve it." Is Ryan's quiet honest reply, Brendon looks over, Ryan's eyes are downcast and he's drawing invisible patterns in the couch. "I fucked up badly, and I hate owning up to them." Ryan supplies and shrugs like it's no big deal, but it is, it's such a big deal for Brendon to see Ryan being so honest. "We both fucked up... I've been stalking you like some love sick idiot, and I've been festering in my emotions." Brendon trails off, watching as Ryan has raised an eyebrow, watching him carefully. 

"That's weird." Ryan deadpans and Brendon balks, "You ignored me! What could I do!" He cries and Ryan let's out an awkward laugh, the two both looking over as a knock resonating through the hotel room. Brendon moves to stand up, thinking either it's a fan or hotel staff only for the door to swing open. "Brendon! We were worried that you disappeared so fast-" Dallon pauses in his rambling, the tall Male standing awkwardly as his eyes land on the somewhat unknown guy sitting in Brendon's hotel room. 

"Am I interrupting something?" Dallon asks, only stepping aside as Spencer appeared and wiggled his way into the room, "Bren-" Spencer pauses before a horribly contained grin as his eyes fall on Ryan who seems to be awkwardly trying to sink into the couch. "Ryan!!" Spencer makes his way as Dallon looks towards Brendon who is fidgeting, "that's the guy who broke your heart?" Dallon asks quietly and Brendon chuckles shrugging. "Uh yeah, but me and Ross are trying to talk it out. See what went wrong." Brendon supplies and Dallon nods slighlty. 

They both look over to see Spencer hugging Ryan, though it looks more like he's crushing him. "Spencer- please I cant breathe!" Ryan chokes out and a moment later he let's go, letting Ryan gulp in air and glare at his best friend. Spencer turns to Brendon, "you smack the shit out of him yet?" Brendon shakes his head and Spencer looks very unimpressed. "He hasn't told you then." Spencer says, and Ryan immediately splutters out, "I'm trying! Urie just now let me talk to him and it's hard okay." Spencer sighs like he's dealing with the most idiotic people in his life, which he probably is and he smiles apologetically at Brendon and Ryan. "Well, we will leave you two alone then." Spencer says, motioning to Dallon who sighs dramatically, flaring his arms, "But Spencer." He whines but makes his way out, Spencer calls out over his shoulder before leaving, "smack the stupid out of him!" 

Once the door shuts, he looks at Ryan with a raised eyebrow, hands on hips. "So Spencer knows the truth?" He asks and Ryan nods hesitantly, "Only recently, I uh, I've been a bad friend to everyone and I couldn't let Spencer suffer anymore because of my stupid decisions." Ryan offers loosely, Brendon nods slighlty. "Tell me." Brendon says, and sits back next to Ryan who nods slowly. 

"So..." he pauses, before turning to face Brendon correctly, back straight and despite their being bits of fear, theirs so much determination. "That night, I was so fucked up." He says with a shake of his head, "I got blacked out drunk, almost positive I did some kind of fucked up drug, I can't even remember and I...this girl, uh Elizabeth, had been talking me up and to be honest." Hes pausing and ringing his hands out, "I almost did... almost slept with the girl, but she told me I kept saying your name and so i just slept at her place. I woke up the next morning, almost dead probably and she made sure I could walk and get home... and for some reason, I was so disappointed with myself for even considering it despite my state and I just couldn't deny it." Ryan is looking away now, counting the seconds in his head as silence prevails anything else. 

"Really?" Brendon speaks softly, and Ryan is confused for a moment, looking over where Brendon is holding his face, shoulders shaking. "I can't believe we've been so fucking depressed and fucked up over you being an idiot." He's laughing slighlty, but as Brendon pulls his hands away theirs some tears and Ryan doesn't know what he's doing, but he's pulling Brendon into his arms. "Leave me alone Ross," despite his words, he's wrapping his arms around Ryan and burying his face in the Male's neck. Ryan has a hand in Brendon's hair, holding him tightly. "I'm so fucking sorry..." Ryan whispers.

He doesn't know how long they sat like this, but Brendon pulls away eventually eyeing Ryan down who offers a small smile. "I... I want you to realize how much I regret everything... I loved- no I love you so much and I just want things to go back the way they were." The confession is a surprise, but somehow Brendon felt as if he knew this would happen, and the words he says are second nature. "Come with us then. Prove to me, come on the road with Panic!." 

The request isn't something Ryan thought would be offered, nonetheless he hesitates, before he questions why he's being stupid before he nods. He nods so he doesn't say something, so he doesn't do anything he'll regret again. 

"Of course." Ryan says, of course he'll go with Brendon, of course he'll drop anything if it means he'll no longer be alone, no longer be an idiot. 

He can't wait to tell Z and Jon about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter update, I know it's been uh... months, but I've been pretty depressed lately but I decided I've put this off for long enough. I'm tempted to, once I finish this, rewrite the first eight chapters since they are v e r y shitty Haha. Anyways enjoy this update! Sorry for the wait.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Thanks for reading this shit storm, its somewhat of slow introduction, trying to set this all up, it should pick up and get to the 'real' story in chapter 3.
> 
> Any critics/suggestions is appreciated. 


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